July '24 Joke Round-Up

  How in the actual fuck is it August? Does the fact that I’m sitting here openly complaining about how time flies mean that I’ve fully jumped the shark and become an old?  Is a third sentence relating to this same topic an indication that I am becoming alarmingly introspective? Moving on. Did everybody else already know how good homegrown tomatoes are? Holy shit, that is actually a worse topic than my first one. Looks like what we are doing is just opening up the monthly blog post with ridiculous stream of consciousness.  Yikes, let’s move on from that too.  July was a pretty sweet month. My adamant belief that summer is the best part of the year is well documented on the pages of this blog.  Oh my god, am I just now realizing that this is a journal?  Fuck, let’s look at some jokes.

7/2

Me when I say things like "skibidi", "rizz", and "bussin'" around my kids.

7/3

Has air freshener ever truly worked?  In my experience it just ends up smelling like fresh laundry with a turd in it.  Or a summer meadow with a turd in it.  Or a lemon grove with a turd in it.  Or an apple pie with a turd in it.

7/4

My intent was to only buy fireworks whose names could also be used to describe myself.

7/5

Every year I see people say things like, "Last year's fireworks were better" or "I like the fireworks at (other town) more."

I literally could not tell you the difference between any fireworks I've seen.  If I watched a fireworks display last night and you showed me a video of a different fireworks show today but told me it was the one I watched last night, I would have no reason not to believe you and no way to dispute you.  I see some shit blow up with pretty colors and it's neat.  I am not out here critiquing things like, "Well, it was nice but I thought that magenta burst last year was more vibrant."

7/7

We had a police chase run through our yard last night. About 11pm I'm just chilling in my living room and I hear someone shout "STOP RIGHT NOW, STOP RUNNING" and bodies just start flying over my fence; a teenager followed by 2 cops. The real question I have in all of this is why the fuck did anyone jump our fence?  We are like the only fenced yard in our neighborhood.   If they went 3 feet to their right it was just straight open yard, no fences.  Who runs straight towards this and decides to hop the fence?

7/9

Every time I go upstairs to the kitchen one of the kids asks me "Why are you eating again? Shouldn't you be working?" I'm ready for them to go back to school; this is a toxic work environment.

7/11

7/12

Confession: there is a guy in my town that doesn't believe I'm a real person; he thinks my name is made up and that my FB account, despite like 20 years of pictures and activity, is a fake account for one of our town's publicly listed city council members.  I happen to know where he lives and that he has a lot of security cameras, so I make it a point to occasionally go past his house while I'm on walks so that I show up on his cameras like Bigfoot.

7/16

Country music covers are a great way to make songs less enjoyable.

7/18

My daughter's Top 5 phrases:

"I'm hungry."

"I'm bored."

"Hurry up!"

"I gotta poop."

"Do you know The Muffin Man?"

7/23

It's kinda cool that you can apparently just completely deny reality these days by shouting "FAKE NEWS" at any information you dislike.

Definitely going to use this strategy when my doctor tells me I need to eat healthier because my cholesterol is dangerously high.

7/26

7/28

Me: "Con Air is one of the greatest movies ever made.  It's right up there with Citizen Kane and 2 Fast 2 Furious."

Wife: "I've never seen Citizen Kane."

Me: "But you've seen 2 Fast 2 Furious."

Wife: "Yeah."

Me: "Citizen Kane is almost that good."

7/28

One of the things I enjoy about parenting 2 (soon-to-be) teenagers is how they can make any situation unnecessarily difficult with their stubbornness and attitude.

This morning, as I'm making myself a bowl of cereal, one of my lovely children walked into the pantry and, clearly unable to find what they were looking for, erupted into a series of groans, sighs, and stomps.  I asked "What's wrong? What are you looking for?" and the response was a very unconvincing "NOTHING!" as they stormed back to their room.

And what, Dear Reader, did I come to learn they were looking for and angry about being unable to find?  The box of cereal that I was holding in my hand.

These teenage years are going to be fun.

7/30

It's so crazy to watch gymnasts land all these crazy flips and shit when I routinely roll my ankle just walking.

7/31

Katie Ledecky has swam 700 meters in 7 minutes and I would be out of breath just cheering for this for 7 minutes.

In other news, check out CandyThoughts.

-Ryan

June '24 Joke Round-Up

  I usually write these on the last day of each month so that they are ready to post first thing in the morning on the first day of the month.  That did not happen last night because I was still in vacation mode, so now I am scrambling to put words to paper and sum up what I was doing last month and why it resulted in me only writing 8 jokes and also sprinkle in some lame-ass promise to write more jokes and do better in the future when deep down everyone knows that this is simply who I am and I will never get better.  So these jokes…

6/7

I'd probably have an easier time falling asleep if I could figure out what to do with my arms.

6/10

I went to the doctor to check out some abdominal pains. My wife and I are discussing the results like adults.

6/11

I am a trusting person, but one thing I absolutely do not trust is the cooking instructions for frozen pizzas that say "place pizza directly on oven rack."  No thank you, I will use a pizza pan.

6/17

Me: "What are you gonna have for lunch?"

My daughter: "Brownies."

Okay, I can get on board with this.

6/22

The last few days my son has been at camp and my wife and daughter have been on a girl's trip.  I still closed the door when I used the bathroom because I didn't want the dogs peeking at me.

6/23

If golf video games really wanted to be realistic, they'd add a button for me to throw my club in the lake after 6-putting.

6/24

I don't know how to make a reasonable amount of French toast.  Every time I make French toast it looks like I'm having anxiety about starting my own paper company.

6/25

One of my bigger regrets in life is all the time I wasted not eating butter pecan ice cream because I thought it was "an old person flavor."

If I’m being honest, life is going pretty well and that just makes it hard to be funny because humor just comes more naturally when you’re cracking jokes to distract from life’s misery; we all know it’s true. But on that note, I sure hope I continue to have no trauma-induced inspiration for jokes any time soon.

-Ryan

May '24 Joke Round-Up

  At the time of writing this, I only just realized that tomorrow is June, so I’m not sure if that means that I thought there was a May 32nd or what was going on, but this whole thing has taken me by surprise.  It’s been a very busy month for me, both personally and professionally.  And I feel like I illustrated that well in my jokes about eating hot wings and talking to my friends about going to the bathroom; I’m clearly at the top of my game at this point of my life.  Are the wings and the bathroom habits related? I’ll leave that for you to decide, Dear Reader.  Here are jokes.

5/2

Maybe Earth's nickname being "The Blue Planet" isn't because of the water but because we're all fucking depressed.

5/3

Is someone really your friend if you can't freely talk to them about bathroom habits?

5/7

If I won the lottery I wouldn't tell anybody, but there would be signs.

5/8

Lots of phone and internet services down in town today.  Live look at how I'm handling it.

5/18

If it's not already a thing, they need to put an ice cream shop & soda fountain in Disney World and call it Malt Disney.

5/20

The more I think about it, the sport of figure skating had somebody take out their competition with a metal pipe to the knee, so maybe professional wrestling isn't actually that far-fetched.

5/23

I had a good day at work with a lot of really nice things said about me.

But what I'm actually most proud of today is that I made it through an entire movie without having to take a bathroom break.

5/27

Idk, I felt like I needed to make this.

5/27

I guess this is what I'm doing today.

5/30

Not gonna lie, I'm kinda peeved that this news about the Trump verdict is preempting Jeopardy.  I was so ready to get my trivia on.

June is going to be great as we officially start the best part of the year: Summer.  And I will be happily sitting my ass in some water with a cold beverage.  I’m about to be in my Shirtless Era.

-Ryan