Saturday, December 6, 2014

Thanksgiving Troubles

                Since my last post was about the night before Thanksgiving, I feel like it’s only appropriate to make this post about Thanksgiving (obviously, well after Thanksgiving though because I don’t quite understand how “fashionably late” works).   What should be more impressive to everyone is that I’m making this post only a day after my last one (don’t get used to it; I can’t handle that kind of pressure).

                When we last left off I was a drunken idiot passed out on the floor of my room.  Thankfully (haha, it’s Thanksgiving, get it?), the drunkenness had worn off by the following morning and when I woke up I was just a sober idiot.  I had 4 stops to make on Thanksgiving and for the most part, everything that day went rather smoothly; until I got to my 3rd stop, my dad’s house.

                As you already know, I put considerable amounts of alcohol in my body the previous night.  I also didn’t make the healthiest choices with my meals that day.   Couple all the garbage I had put into my system on Wednesday with the enormous amounts of food that I was ingesting on Thursday, and by the time I reached my dad’s house, my gastrointestinal system was under a good deal of stress.   Since everyone else was in the basement, I went to the upstairs bathroom seeking some sweet relief.  I don’t need to go into detail here (because I don’t want to drive away any more readers), but suffice to say that I was a gentleman about everything and courtesy flushes were had.

                Now is where we arrive at the problem.  I’ve finished up and I’m feeling like a new man.  I flush the toilet and watch and the last remnants of toilet paper swirl around before being sucked down the hole…and then they stop.  Halfway down the hole.   I’ve managed to clog the toilet in the middle of Thanksgiving.  At this point, I’m disappointed (and disgusted) in myself but I’m not overly worried.   The water is running but I figure I’ll just wait for the water to stop and give it another flush, hopefully clearing up the problem.  I waited and watched as the water rose, waiting for tank to stop filling so I could remedy the issue.

I never got that opportunity.   I have never in my life before seen a toilet that fills up with enough water to overflow with one flush, but the water in this toilet had absolutely no intention of shutting off.  And this is where the panic started setting in.  As I watched the water level rise closer and closer to the top of the bowl, I realized that I was in trouble.  Frantically, I scanned around the bathroom for a plunger.  Behind the toilet? Nope.  In the towel closet? Nope.  Under the sink? Nope.  I couldn’t find a plunger anywhere and by this time the water had filled the bowl and was now creeping up the lip around the toilet.    A breech was imminent, I had no time!  I scrambled back to the toilet and reached behind it in a desperate attempt to shut off the water, but the knob was jammed.

With mere seconds to spare, I was almost completely out of options.  Almost.  I grabbed the toilet-cleaning wand from its holder and thrust the handle into the wad of toilet paper.  I stabbed at it with the desperate intensity of a knight thrusting his sword deep into the heart of a dragon.  And I prevailed.   The toilet paper was vanquished and the water level in the toilet quickly receded.  I had a real need to wipe the sweat from my brow, but I thought it was more important to wash my hands first.

There was some minor spillage due to the high water level, but I wiped that up with the bath mat.


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