So, May was a fun month. I closed on a house and then spent what felt like an eternity peeling wallpaper. You’ll see my excitement over the wallpaper pop up in the middle of the month. I also got to make topical jokes about the Royal Wedding, the new Han Solo movie and the unfortunate side effects of certain sleeping pills. Anyways, here are the jokes.
Currently trying to convince my fiancée that the best way to end our wedding ceremony is for the officiant to wait until after our first kiss, pull out a guitar and say, "Anyway, here's Wonderwall."
She said maybe...
One thing I’ve learned recently is that I write too many pointed/risqué jokes to be an acceptable guest speaker at the White House Correspondents Dinner, but that I’m also not enough of an asshole to be elected president. This is limiting the pool of things that I can realistically accomplish in my lifetime.
In retrospect, it's been pretty evident for a while now that I'd make a good dad because ever since I first got roommates I've been really concerned with who's messing with the damn thermostat.
All of these packaged food items labeled "Family Size" are bullshit. I have to buy one for me and one for the rest of the family.
A few weeks ago I went to a local health fair and had a comprehensive blood screening done. It was arguably one of the worst decisions I’ve made because I went from being a relatively healthy person with no noticeable maladies to a guy whose brain is now constantly butting in during the day to say, “Hey man, I feel like my cholesterol is hurting.”
"NO! It won't be the same and I'm insulted that you'd even suggest to me something so obviously unacceptable. Don't pretend like it could ever be the same."
My reaction to my fiancée suggesting that I wrap up the last piece of garlic bread and reheat it later. #NotOverreacting
Looks like I found my spirit animal.
Just need a little ranch dressing.
I used to be an atheist but now that I've started tearing down wallpaper I believe the devil is real.
I've been able to get the kids to help set up the new house by turning the work into fun games like "Whoever Peels The Most Wallpaper Gets To Eat Dinner Tonight."
I think I'm going to start saving the receipts for all the Mother's Day gifts the "kids" get for my fiancée and cash them in when they turn 18. I'm sure I can spin it into some kind of valuable life lesson for them and if she does the same for Father's Day we can probably get a nice vacation out of it. #InvestingForOurFuture
Today I used the Pythagorean Theorem to help a customer determine how big of a TV they could fit in a wall unit entertainment center. Never let anyone tell you that you won't use math to solve important, everyday problems.
This bums me out. #MissedOpportunity
I'll admit that I haven't followed wrestling in a long time, but I am really confused by what they're doing with the matches and storylines these days. No pins or eliminations, no title belts, nobody got power bombed through a table; the Royal Wedding was awful.
Yesterday Henry wanted to listen to Bohemian Rhapsody and Abby started crying because she didn't like it. Needless to say, we only have 1 child now.
I (finally) watched the Suits season finale last night so in my world Meghan Markle is just up and marrying everybody this week.
I saw a train go by that was only 3 cars long but was blaring the horn non-stop. Obviously, he was over compensating.
Last night I fell asleep with the TV on and had a dream that Ice Cube and I had a cooking show on YouTube based out of an old rundown apartment. I woke up and 22 Jump Street was on, which at least explains Ice Cube...but other than that...wtf?
I haven't seen it yet but if I find out that Jason Derulo's "Ridin' Solo" is not heavily featured in the soundtrack for Solo: A Star Wars Story, I'm gonna be pissed.
This is how professionals do it.
Guys, the warning is right there on the label...
One exciting thing to look forward for the next month is getting all moved into the new house and having absolutely no motivation to ever leave it again.