Monday, April 1, 2019

March 2019 Joke Round-Up

              March is done! I’m a year older now, which I think you can see some additional maturity in my jokes from the last half of the month (just kidding, I’m a child the whole way through).   This month was highlighted by a holiday for some beloved characters, my fiancée cussing out our Amazon Echo, and a fantastic song to cap off the month.  On to the jokes!

The kids were talking about middle names, so I asked them if they remembered what mine was.
Abby: "Captain Underpants."
Henry: "Batman?"
Brb, just going to legally change my name.

Having combined household finances is so weird because sometimes I'll look at my card statement and get really proud of how frugal I've been with my spending habits but in reality it's just that my fiancée has been buying all the groceries lately and I've essentially just been mooching off of her responsibility.

On more than one occasion in my life I have made a meal out of a microwave burrito that I've rolled inside a Totino's pizza.
I only mention this because today is Fat Tuesday and I want everyone to know that this is my time to shine bright like a diamond.

I have my suspicions that the seller is not being entirely honest.

Tomorrow I'm going to be a guest reader for my daughter's 1st grade classroom. I get to pick which book I read to them, so I hope these kids are ready for some Dostoyevsky. #CrimeAndPunishment

Weird reason for a holiday, but I guess I'm in. Happy Wednesday!

Yesterday, there was a notification showing on our Amazon Echo and upon asking Alexa what it was, I was informed that a package was delivered containing the surprise birthday gift my fiancée had ordered for me. Needless to say, since the surprise was spoiled most of my fiancée's interactions with the Echo have been, "Alexa, you're a bitch."

I got the kids donuts for breakfast. Then I watched them bring dishonor on the family by eating their donuts with forks.

I keep hearing a radio ad for a local car dealership that announces that they’re hiring by adding in “And if you like shopping with us, you’ll love working with us. Apply now” at the end of the commercial. I gotta say, I don’t really follow the logic in that pitch. I patronize plenty of places that I wouldn’t want to work. I like eating Taco Bell but I’m pretty certain I would not like working there.

I was worried about what would happen to this page on the off chance I ever lost access to my FB account, so I made my fiancée a page admin as well. It was basically like I proposed to her all over again.

Any time I interact with our family dog, Barclay, my speech very quickly degrades from standard English to Swedish Chef.

Yesterday I was sick with a 103 fever, but could still function mostly regularly so I went to work. Because part of the American Dream is only taking one of your very limited sick days when even pushing the button to tell Netflix you're still watching is too big of a hill to climb.

Some of my son's school work. He's trying to make a difference in the world.

I found out that you can ask Alexa to make fart noises and I honestly don't know why they haven't been advertising this feature of the Amazon Echo because it has improved my quality of life.

If you look at my Google search history, it pretty much just ping pongs back and forth between looking up stuff about Excel VBA macros and looking up stuff about Red Dead Redemption 2. This tells me that I'm incompetent at both work and play.

Every time I open the door on the convection oven to get my chicken nuggets out and get blasted in the face with hot air...

Found this in my fiancée's stuff. Glad we'll be able to avoid the bag check fees for our flight.

I've seen this riddle floating around FB as a challenge to either get it right or post some embarrassing picture or something (which is ridiculous because I willingly post all of my embarrassments already). Anyways, the riddle is always some variation of:
"Riddle: It's 7:00 AM. You are asleep and there is a sudden knock on the door. Behind the door are your parents who came to have breakfast. In your fridge are bread, milk, juice, and a jar of jam. To answer, what will you open first?"
And I don't care what the answer is supposed to be. My answer is "nothing." I open nothing. Not my eyes, not the door, not my arms for a hug or my heart and mind for understanding. If you are at my house unannounced, particularly at 7 in the morning, your ass will be stuck standing on that porch. I don't care who you are. Go away.

Catering by BK.

The place we're getting our wedding cake from is called It's A Piece Of Cake. And every time my fiancée mentions it by name I respond by singing, "to bake a pretty cake!" My continued annoyance of her with this has been the strongest test of our relationship thus far.
And if you don't get the reference, here's a fun video:

                Seriously, if you didn’t click that link to listen to the song, do it.  And feel free to use my fantastic BK catering idea; it was a real crowd pleaser.


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