Wednesday, May 1, 2019

April 2019 Joke Round-Up

                What a month April was.  At numerous points throughout the month I was absolutely certain that I’d only written like 4 jokes so far, but in compiling this round up I was pleasantly surprised to find that not only was I writing pretty steadily all month, but at one point I had 5 consecutive days with new jokes.  Now, I can’t guarantee the quality of those jokes, but they do indeed qualify as new jokes.  And boy did this month have it all: penis-shaped water bottles, me suffering debilitating brain injuries and lots and lots of jokes about me doing fat kid stuff.  Here they are.

Last night our daughter threw up in her bed. This was a huge moment for teamwork in our household because my fiancée remained calm and knew exactly what to do, whereas my initial course of action was to try to burn all the blankets and throw the bed away. #IBarfedToo

No Meatwad on the menu, though. Hmm... #NumberOneInTheHoodG

Tonight my fiancée and I got a regular Whopper and an Impossible Whopper from BK, cut them in half, and subjected each other to blind taste tests to see if we could tell a difference. Not sure what fun stuff everyone else is doing with their Friday night, but we've obviously set the bar pretty high. #FatKidGames

Make sure to stay hydrated during your workouts.

The other night while I was getting a couple of drinks at the bar, my fiancée playfully waved at me from across the room. Unfortunately (for him), the random guy next to me thought she was waving at him, so he went over to talk to her and proceeded to have the most awkward time ever. For once it felt good to not be the sad sack in the “Oops, they were actually waving at the person behind me” situation.

The first day of NHL playoffs got me feelin' some kinda way.

A while back my company had a big public event with local sports mascots, first responder vehicles for kids to check out, face-painting, balloon animals, etc. I was looking through the photos of the event and found my son in the background of one picture just absolutely not dealing with anyone's shit until he's had his hot chocolate.

Today I officiated my 2nd wedding. I received several compliments from people on the ceremony to which I kept replying, "Yeah, it's not my first wedding."

Because I also used it as part of a Halloween costume a few years back, the suit jacket that I wore to officiate the wedding yesterday has some (seemingly) permanent specks of glitter scattered all over it. I do believe that it adds a bit of gravitas to the ceremonies I perform.

The worst part of being me is that I can't just walk away from me when I start saying stupid shit.

Tampa Bay and Pittsburgh getting eliminated blew out the Eastern Conference of my bracket so now my kids are beating me in the NHL Bracket Challenge. I'm not 100% on all the intricacies of The Dad Handbook, but I'm pretty sure if they beat me I lose control of the thermostat. This is embarrassing.

The kids told me that they like our dog more than they like me. That's fine, I just hope the dog can cook them dinner and help them with homework. #Petty

Feeling festive today.

I do not understand people who enjoy camping sober. What is the point of being in the woods if you're not drunk in the woods?

Kahla: "It's annoying when I see people just share share share like 50 memes a day. You can appreciate something without sharing it."
Me: "I know people can appreciate things without sharing them because nobody shares my jokes."

Because of who I am fundamentally as a person, I sometimes get into debates/arguments with people on the internet. I will typically take the time to fully flesh out and support my point of view, which makes my posts a little bit on the longer side. And it seems that with increasing regularity, this is met by responses either condemning or poking fun at the length of my rebuttals. I gotta say, even if you disagree with someone, I don’t know if there’s a dumber stance to take than what essentially boils down to “Look at the nerd using words to convey ideas!”

Learning a lot at the zoo today. #PartyFoul

I was in an obnoxiously good mood today so I put this abomination together for lunch to give me a reason to be disappointed in myself.

I think an important part of any successful relationship is setting ground rules and expectations. For example, today I told my fiancée that if we ever have root beer on our shopping list and she comes home with Barq's, I will leave her.

Kinda wanna make healthy life choices. Kinda wanna fill a 33 gallon trash bag with popcorn and eat my way through it. #DecisionsDecisions

My brain has broken

Last night before I went to bed I found myself carrying our dog around the living room, rocking him, and singing a lullaby I made up on the spot called "Bedtime for Barclay." What is my life?

                I’m getting closer and closer to my wedding; less than 2 months to go now.  I’m certain as he wheels start turning faster and faster to the wedding date there will be some great moments because the way I handle stress is to make inappropriate jokes.  Stay tuned.


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