Well, February is done. I will make reference to the fact that there was an extra day in it right now, but I refuse to make a dumb joke about it; I already did that on the 28th. I wrote a whole new article this month about me feeling like death after eating a burger. That was fun. Really, it shouldn’t take gluttony-induced near-death experiences to encourage me to write something that isn’t just my monthly joke round up, and yet here we are. I should get better about that. Anyways, here are this past month’s jokes pulled from my FB page.
I was woken up at 6:30 this morning by the neighbor's garage being on fire. Totally inconsiderate. People need to have their structure fires at a more reasonable hour, especially on the weekend.
I played hockey tonight because I don't really have any interest in football. It's worth noting, however, that I left Maplewood, MO with 8:55 left in the 4th quarter and walked into my house with 1:15 left in the 4th quarter. Football exists in some kind of alternate dimension where time is completely irrelevant.
I've seen pictures online of people's dogs before and after they're called a good boy/girl and it's adorable. My dog, on the other hand, literally doesn't give a shit when I call him a good boy and I'm unreasonably upset about this.
My dog Barclay before and after being told he's a good boy. #NoFucksGiven
I'm trying to come up with a good Valentine's gift for my wife but apparently taco trees still aren't a thing yet so idk what scientists are even doing with their time.
I have been listening to the same Ska/Punk mix Pandora station at work for a few months now and I still catch myself saying out loud "oh hell yeah, this is my jam" for pretty much every song that plays.
Stop judging me, Google.
I'm gonna need to see some ID from this guy.
Living in the age of internet and smartphones is so wild. The other night I was awake at 1:30 a.m. Googling "how to make the family dog like me most."
My daughter wanted to give out WWE Valentine's cards at school, but the one that says "Never Give Up" doesn't have a wrestler on it.
How long til they move on to harder stuff like Pixy Stix?
Hold On - Triumph Hold the Line - Toto Hold On - Wilson Phillips Hold On Loosely - 38 Special Baby Hold On - Eddie Money Hold Me Now - Thompson Twins Tiny Dancer - Elton John
Just working on the playlist I would use if I was ever put in charge of the hold music for a company's phone system.
I don't know what is going on in my house. Am I supposed to be Buttface McGee?
Never before have my shitty eating habits been more glaringly highlighted than today when I ate a salad for lunch and multiple coworkers asked if I was okay.
Last night I had a dream that I was at a party with Captain America. He looked at a case of beer and said, "I'm gonna pull a Thanos and make half of those disappear."
Watching my son struggle to choke down his flu medicine, I don't know if this kid is ever gonna be able to do shots.
I kind of don't want to post any jokes tomorrow because I'm worried they won't show up again in my memories for another 4 years. It's a shame because I bet I was gonna be hilarious tomorrow.
Well I stuck to my convictions and didn’t write any jokes on the 29th out of fear of losing them for the next 4 years. But I can assure you that I was totally hilarious in my day-to-day goings-on. You’ll just have to trust me on that.