February 2020 Joke Round-Up

Well, February is done.  I will make reference to the fact that there was an extra day in it right now, but I refuse to make a dumb joke about it; I already did that on the 28th.   I wrote a whole new article this month about me feeling like death after eating a burger.  That was fun.  Really, it shouldn’t take gluttony-induced near-death experiences to encourage me to write something that isn’t just my monthly joke round up, and yet here we are.  I should get better about that.  Anyways, here are this past month’s jokes pulled from my FB page. 

2/2 

I was woken up at 6:30 this morning by the neighbor's garage being on fire. Totally inconsiderate. People need to have their structure fires at a more reasonable hour, especially on the weekend. 

2/2 

I played hockey tonight because I don't really have any interest in football. It's worth noting, however, that I left Maplewood, MO with 8:55 left in the 4th quarter and walked into my house with 1:15 left in the 4th quarter. Football exists in some kind of alternate dimension where time is completely irrelevant. 

2/5 

I've seen pictures online of people's dogs before and after they're called a good boy/girl and it's adorable. My dog, on the other hand, literally doesn't give a shit when I call him a good boy and I'm unreasonably upset about this. 

2/5 

My dog Barclay before and after being told he's a good boy. #NoFucksGiven 

2/6 

I'm trying to come up with a good Valentine's gift for my wife but apparently taco trees still aren't a thing yet so idk what scientists are even doing with their time. 

2/7 

I have been listening to the same Ska/Punk mix Pandora station at work for a few months now and I still catch myself saying out loud "oh hell yeah, this is my jam" for pretty much every song that plays. 

2/7 

Stop judging me, Google. 

2/8 

I'm gonna need to see some ID from this guy. 

2/10 

Living in the age of internet and smartphones is so wild. The other night I was awake at 1:30 a.m. Googling "how to make the family dog like me most." 

2/11 

My daughter wanted to give out WWE Valentine's cards at school, but the one that says "Never Give Up" doesn't have a wrestler on it. 

2/12 

How long til they move on to harder stuff like Pixy Stix? 

2/14 

Hold On - Triumph Hold the Line - Toto Hold On - Wilson Phillips Hold On Loosely - 38 Special Baby Hold On - Eddie Money Hold Me Now - Thompson Twins Tiny Dancer - Elton John 

Just working on the playlist I would use if I was ever put in charge of the hold music for a company's phone system. 

2/18 

I don't know what is going on in my house. Am I supposed to be Buttface McGee? 

2/20 

Never before have my shitty eating habits been more glaringly highlighted than today when I ate a salad for lunch and multiple coworkers asked if I was okay. 

2/24 

Last night I had a dream that I was at a party with Captain America. He looked at a case of beer and said, "I'm gonna pull a Thanos and make half of those disappear." 

2/27 

Watching my son struggle to choke down his flu medicine, I don't know if this kid is ever gonna be able to do shots. 

2/28 

I kind of don't want to post any jokes tomorrow because I'm worried they won't show up again in my memories for another 4 years. It's a shame because I bet I was gonna be hilarious tomorrow. 

Well I stuck to my convictions and didn’t write any jokes on the 29th out of fear of losing them for the next 4 years.  But I can assure you that I was totally hilarious in my day-to-day goings-on.  You’ll just have to trust me on that.   

-Ryan