Friday, February 28, 2020

Death By Burger

It’s no secret that I have historically not made the healthiest choices when it comes to the food I put in my body.  From burgers with pizza slices for the bun, to a burrito rolled inside a pizza, to eating a Ziploc bag full of 2 week-old mostaccioli, to my propensity for indulging in whatever stupid new concoction the major fast food chains come up with; I have a storied history of bad food choices. 

Well, I recently made another awful food choice.  Now that I’m a week removed from the pain of that decision, I think I’m ready to talk about it.  Recently, Hardee’s came out with their BFC Angus Thickburger; BFC being Big Fried Cheese.  As the name would imply, the distinguishing characteristic of this menu item is the giant disc of fried cheese on top of the 1/3 lb. burger patty.  

Picture here: My Undoing 

Now, anyone who isn’t trying to eat their way into an early grave could reasonably talk themselves out of eating one of these things with little to no effort.  However, I am a glutton for punishment whose favorite form of therapy is testing the limits of my digestive system.   I’m also an opportunist, so when a co-worker brought up this burger and a buy-one-get-one-free coupon, I was on board because if I go into cardiac arrest at work that means I get to go home early while also being thrifty. 

Just kidding, you still have to finish your work day even if you die.  Either that or use a vacation day. 

At this point, it’s probably worth mentioning that the co-worker in question is not a big meat-eater, so I actually got their burger patty as well.  This meant they ended up with a glorified grilled-cheese sandwich and I got 2 fat-ass burger patties hugging a frisbee of fried cheese like some kind of heart-attack Oreo.   Staring down at this abomination of American food culture was probably the moment I should have turned back as I really haven’t felt okay with myself or my life choices since that point in time but I, brimming with hubris, pressed on with my na├»ve determination to consume all the worst things ever invented. 

I’m a little under a month from turning 33 and what I have discovered is that I am too fucking old to be eating shit like this anymore.  My god.  I think at one point I may have actually blacked out from eating this burger. My brain ceased to function as my body diverted all energy towards my stomach so it could figure out what the hell to do with this stupid thing I was eating.   Honestly, I don’t have anything bad to say about the flavor; it is pretty much exactly what I was expecting.  But for the overall experience I can only describe eating this thing as a spiritual event because I legitimately died, stared into the void, and decided I needed to change my ways. 

The Abyss really makes you appreciate a good salad. 

I finished the whole thing.  It wasn’t the smart thing to do but I am not a quitter and I hate wasting food no matter how detrimental it may be to my health.  When I was done my stomach felt like I had just eaten a landscaping brick.  It stayed like that for 3 days.  I wandered through life in a food-induced catatonic haze during that time thinking about all the food that I definitely did not have any sort of appetite for.  Finally, like another historical figure (though with a considerably smaller group of followers for myself), on the 3rd day I rose from the dead.  Honestly, it wasn’t a huge change because being food-dead is relatively close to the state of work-zombie that most of us are anyway.  At that point I did decide that food sounded good again and it definitely needed to be some fresh vegetables or anything else that wasn’t imminent death on a bun. 

I’m not saying that I’m suddenly some kind of health nut or anything; I’d actually guarantee that this health-conscious, new lease on life side of me will turn tail as soon as I see an advertisement for All-You-Can-Eat Hot Wings somewhere.  What I can say is that I will not be having another one of these BFC Burgers any time soon, or ever again because I do believe the insurance company would count that as a suicide and not pay out my life insurance policy to my wife. 


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