Saturday, February 1, 2020

January 2020 Joke Round-Up

The first month of this new year is out of the way and it brought with it fewer jokes and more concussions than I am used to.  Winter months are always a little tough because my jokes tend to be inspired by my experiences and during the winter the bulk of my experiences are just me sitting in the house being pissy about the fact that it’s winter.  That aside, I did present myself with an award, go incognito, and made breakfast with either spaghetti or margarine.  Here are some jokes. 

*One of my favorite songs, Learn To Fly, comes on the radio* Me: "This is the best Foo Fighters song. I will fight you if you say otherwise." My daughter: "Otherwise" 
Some days my kids are smartasses and I really only have myself to blame. 

For your consideration... 

I've heard that coconut water can help with hangovers, but after tasting coconut water I'd rather just have the hangover. 

A few of my coworkers were presented with some very well-deserved awards in recognition of all their hard work over the past year (ex. Employee of the Year). And while I'm extremely happy for them and appreciate all they do, this page is called Last Place Trophies so I absolutely felt it necessary to make a little something to highlight my own achievements. I am proud to announce that I have recognized myself for being an Employee. 

I came across this person on Twitter. Regardless of political affiliation, I cannot imagine having so little personality that when asked to tell someone about yourself the description you give is predicated on your feelings for a specific politician. Get a hobby or something at that point, damn. 

I took a pretty hard bump to the head at hockey last night. Looking at some of the symptoms for concussions, however… -Headache -Confusion or feeling as if in a fog -Delayed response to questions -Appearing dazed -Fatigue -Irritability -Sleep disturbances -Psychological adjustment problems and depression 
It would appear that I’ve just been living concussed for most of my life. 

I don't know why they wrote a whole article for this. Let me sum up: Hard no. 

I don't know how long I'll be able to milk this but for the time being every time my wife seems less-than-thrilled with whatever dumb shit I'm doing, I just look at her blankly and say, "I'm concussed." 

I swapped out my self-presented Employee award for another motivator. 

I keep hearing about this coronavirus in the news and all I can think is that it sounds like it would go well with lime. 

Today the receptionist at the chiropractor's office told me that she didn't recognize me because I was wearing a hat. I now 100% understand how nobody knew that this guy was Captain America. 

Breakfast could be interesting... 

Now we get to brace ourselves for February; a cold, gray, miserable month.  The good news is that I get an excuse to spend an entire day watching the classic Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day on repeat.  The bad news is that February always feels to me like that movie except without all the personal growth.  Catch you next month. 


No comments:

Post a Comment