Let me just start this off by saying fuck winter and everything about it. And if you like winter, then fuck you too. The weather has been cold and shitty, the days are too short to enjoy, it’s all terrible. It probably wouldn’t even be so bad if I could just hibernate through it but apparently of all the things I could be bad at, sleeping is what my body has chosen to suck at (there’s actually a lot of things I suck at, but for the purpose of this post I am choosing to focus on sleeping). Just the other night as I was starting to drift off to sleep I jolted myself upright because I was worried that I’d forgotten about an appointment to get my toes straightened. Firstly, I am almost completely positive that’s not even a thing. And secondly, even if it is a thing my toes are already straight so what the fuck was that all about? Anyways, here are the jokes.
On the one hand, I should really tell my kids it's time to turn off their tablets and complete a few daily chores.
On the other hand, they are being very quiet and actually getting along well as they play Minecraft together.
This is a dilemma.
Typically my dog will follow me downstairs when I go to work in the morning. But my wife is off work today, so I guess Barclay decided to take PTO to hang out with her instead.
Letting out an enormous fart with nobody around to hear it is the same as catching a huge fish with nobody around to see it.
Practicing safe cooking techniques. Just trying to protect my eyes from oil splatter.
I've pretty much always been a culinary genius.
When I'm in my annual performance review and my supervisor tells me that I am a delight to work with:
If you say that you want a mandolin for your birthday, you're kind of just working off the assumption that your family already knows whether you're a chef or a bard.
My son does not understand why I am so amused by his new D&D dice. He also doesn't understand why I said his character can't turn left.
My wife's doctor told her she has high cholesterol and, among other things, told her to make sure she eats plenty of "whole foods."
I am not entirely sure what that means, but in solidarity I'm going to eat a whole rotisserie chicken.
Quality jokes right there about farts and poor eating habits. I was really deep in my niche this month. It is really sad that I didn’t even hit double digits on my joke count this month though.
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