September 2026 Joke Round-Up

 For once I'm writing this day-of because I'm off work and out of town going to some theme parks with a buddy. And that seems like a good enough reason to quit pretending like I want to be writing this at all right now. Or correcting the formatting from my phone. Or giving a shit.  So them jokes.

9/5

I just found out that Jack Johnson did a cover of Escape (The Piña Colada Song) and I hate every single part of that sentence. 

9/6

I have been letting out huge farts all morning and my wife wasn't even commenting on them. Neither impressed nor disgusted. I told her this was upsetting to me because the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. She apologized and told me I'm gross. I feel better. 

9/8

Honestly, the person who named aibohphobia was a dick. Clever, but a dick. 

9/8

Found a new background for Teams meetings 

9/9

There's really nothing quite like the pile of bullshit waiting for you after returning from PTO to make you regret taking PTO in the first place. 

9/10

I am way too handsome to be this stressed out all the time. 

9/10

For the amount of time & effort invested vs. outcome, I think instant mashed potatoes are fucking amazing. A marvel of modern science. 

9/10

I need smaller increments of volume control. 

9/10

If I can fall asleep in the next 5 minutes I'll get just enough sleep to still feel like shit all day. 

9/17

My wife keeps listening to country music because she obviously wants a divorce. 

9/17

"I know you've had a rough day, but I can definitely make it worse." - My wife, apparently, deciding to play country music in the house 

9/19

Staying up late on a Friday night. Disco ball lit up. Fleetwood Mac playing. Wife snoring on the couch. Changing out my furnace filter. And making sure to write on my shopping list that I need a new pack because that was the last one. 

9/19

9/21

I feel like I can't really relieve stress because it's actually a fundamental part of who I am. 

9/23

Health! 

9/25

I spent like 10 minutes trying to find the perfect music to fold laundry to. I could've been done with the laundry already. 

So my jokes are about stress and diarrhea. On brand.

-Ryan