So, it’s September now. Summer is coming to a close soon. It’s going to be fall. I've been seeing a lot of people getting excited about the end of summer and the start of fall and honestly, this makes no sense to me. In fact, I’ll just say that I think it’s stupid. To me, that’s like saying “I hate warm weather and fun. I like when everything is cold and dead because I have a severe personality disorder.” So today, I’m just going to list my Top 5 Reasons Why Fall Sucks and You’re Wrong if You Like It:
1) Colder weather
Let’s start off with the obvious one. It’s going to start getting cold. Why is this a good thing to anyone? You can’t do any activity that involves water like swimming, float trips, water parks, etc. (not water sports, that is an entirely different and much grosser thing). I guess if you’re into bobsledding you’d be excited about colder weather, but even Jamaica has a bobsled team and they're warm. It’s not like in the summer when you can have nice warm, sunny days. Hell, even warm rain showers. No, now you’re getting cold, dark, depressing rain to match all the dead leaves and shattered dreams of autumn.
2) Heavier Clothes
Going hand in hand with the colder weather, you have to start wearing heavier, less comfortable clothes. I hear people saying “I can’t wait to wear jeans and a hoodie, it’s so comfortable!” First of all, you can wear jeans in the summer, too, a lot of people do. And you can’t tell me that jeans and a hoodie is more comfortable than shorts, a t-shirt and most importantly, flip flops because you’re just wrong. There is no argument, you're just wrong. You have to wear more layers, which is more layers to take off when you get to work, home, the bar etc. And then that’s more layers to babysit, too. You go to the bar when it’s cold and you wear a coat, all of a sudden you’re forced to make the decision of wearing the coat the whole time and getting overly warm, or taking it off but having to babysit it all night when all you really want to do is show off your sweet dance moves set to a soundtrack of all the greatest pop hits of the 80s.
3) Less Daylight
In addition to the colder temperatures and the extra layers of clothes you’re forced to accept, there’s also less hours of daylight to enjoy. So, not only do you have fewer hours to be outside and enjoy the sunlight on your days off, but you also get the pleasure of going to work in the dark and then coming home in the dark (just in case you weren't already horribly depressed about going to work). I would also tell you how terrible it is to be stuck inside at work just watching the only sunlit hours of the day pass you by, but I don’t know what that’s like because the only window near me is just frosted glass between me and the office next door. But I’m sure that would really suck too.
4) Pumpkin Everything
As soon as the season starts changing, suddenly anything and everything comes in pumpkin flavor. Now, I like pumpkin as much as the next person (actually, maybe I don’t since I’m complaining about it), but why are we going wild about pumpkin flavored everything? If everyone likes pumpkin so much, why aren't these pumpkin flavored items available the rest of the year? People go crazy about pumpkin pie, yet for some reason they’re only having it for Thanksgiving, when pumpkin pie filling is sold the entire year (trust me, I worked it a grocery store and only ever had to stock it in November). And Pumpkin Spice was never even good enough to be a part of the Spice Girls. I actually like pumpkin myself, but I don’t think we need to go crazy every year with pumpkin flavored coffee, candles, soaps, condoms and whatever else we decide it’s necessary to add pumpkin flavor to At this point, I’m terrified that McDonald’s will release a Pumpkin Spice McRib and the collective pumpkin flavored orgasm will destroy the earth.
5) The Inevitable Winter
Finally, the worst thing about fall is that it’s basically just the opening act for an even worse show: winter. Fall is basically just Winter Lite. It’s just a warm up (cool down?) for the terrible times ahead. Cold weather, snow, ice, miserable driving conditions; if you like things that suck then winter is right up your alley. I don’t think I need to make a very long explanation for why winter sucks and I don’t know how much more I can say about winter without getting angry and just using a string of expletives, so I’m probably going to have to cut this one off there, but seriously, fuck winter.
About the only good thing I can even say about fall is that hockey season will be starting and I am extremely excited about that. But really, it’s 2014 and hockey is played indoors now (it’s even played in Florida!) so we could realistically just move hockey season and then Fall/Winter would have absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
Also, before I go, I Googled “Pumpkin Spice Girl” and found this absolutely terrifying picture:
No wonder she never made it into the movie Spice World.