After
my last couple of posts about my drunken shenanigans in Memphis (and before I
post any future stories about drunken shenanigans), I feel like I need to make
a post detailing the fact that I am not, in fact, a raging alcoholic.
People
are always surprised to hear that I didn’t drink until I was 21. Like most things in life, I didn’t have a
good reason for this decision. I had
ample opportunities to drink before my 21st birthday, but for
whatever reason I just always thought “Eh, I’ll wait,” (this is my attitude
towards a lot of things, which is why I still haven’t seen The Sixth Sense, no spoilers please). Naturally, by the time I was 21 I had a lot
of lost time to make up for, and boy did I ever make up for that time. I’ll get to some more of those stories some
other time because that’s not the point of this post (and because I don’t feel
like writing a novel). Eventually, my
days of nonstop partying were fulfilled and the drinking slowed down to where I
now only binge drink on weekends and holidays like a true, responsible
adult. That being said, one of my
biggest pet peeves is when people tell me that I drink too much.
I’m not
exactly working on a cure for cancer, but I have a steady 40+ hour a week job
(that I’m always mostly on time for!), a fulfilling social life and many
hobbies to keep me busy (such as this incredible blog *wink wink*). Realistically, the only damage alcohol has
done to my life has been in my wallet, because even going out to a bar once a
week requires a small loan (is it appropriate to bring a flask to a bar?). In fact, there are plenty of things that I do
far more frequently than drinking, such as binge-watching Netflix, playing
video games, going to the gym, getting rejected by women (I’m single, ladies!),
etc. But nobody ever says “You need to
cut back on your Netflix,” or “You have a gym problem,” (which I probably do
because I have no idea what I’m doing, but I bought these workout cloths and
I’m determined to wear them).
I guess
maybe the biggest part of the problem has to do with many of the stories that I tell. Obviously, they only make up a fraction of
the posts I’ve made so far (for instance, I can sink a boat while entirely sober), but I do have some pretty fantastic stories about
nights out drinking. There are, however,
a few problems with assuming that these stories mean that I drink too
much. First off, anyone who has had a
good night on the town knows that one night of drinking can spawn several
awesome stories, confused questions and embarrassing pictures (also, sometimes
hospital bills). Another issue is that
I’m probably not gonna have too many interesting stories about the other
activities I do (that’s not true, everything I do is hilarious and you should
keep reading this blog indefinitely for more funny stories). And even if I
think something funny or interesting happened, that doesn’t mean you’ll agree
or want to hear (read) about it. I might
think it’s hilarious that the last time I played Dungeons & Dragons my
wizard was so incompetent that even his magic missile missed it’s target, but
that doesn’t mean you will (ladies, I do not play D&D…unless you like that
kind of guy, then I totally do…D&D players, I’m actually not that bad, my
wizard was pretty badass…everyone else that doesn’t get that joke, carry on).
So,
maybe what I’m really trying to say is, don’t judge me if (when) you see future
stories about drunken shenanigans. But
also realize that there are (probably) just as many stories that I’m not
posting about. In fact, for any post you
read on here, there’s a probably a pretty good chance that I wrote it while
binge-watching Netflix (or I likely just scrolled through the Netflix menu
screen for hours on end).
But all
this writing has made me thirsty. I’m
gonna grab a beer.
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