Tuesday, September 1, 2015

August Joke Round-Up

                Once again it’s time for my monthly Joke Round-Up.  And, just as with last month, I took full advantage of Facebook’s “On This Day” app to look back on some of the jokes I’d written in years past that I’d since completely forgotten about.  Those will be marked with the appropriate year in which I wrote the joke, illustrating that I’ve been unfunny for years, it’s not just a recent thing.   I’d also like to point out that I had a few days of no joke-writing this month because I got really bummed out about Jon Stewart’s final episode of The Daily Show (sometimes I have feelings no matter how hard I try not to).

Just found out that Eddie Money is going to be in town the same night as my sister's wedding.  So far this year I have already been to 4 weddings and 0 Eddie Money concerts.  Decisions, decisions...

I dropped the F bomb at Wal-Mart and some guy turned around and shot me the most offended look I've ever seen. I don't know if I've had a lower point in my life than when I realized that I'm not proper enough for Wal-Mart.

Apparently, telling customers that you're pitching a tent is not an appropriate way to promote your store's upcoming tent sale

At one point last night some girl started dancing with me as I was making my way through the crowd towards the bathroom. It was definitely one of my finer introductions. "Hey, thanks for the dance but I really gotta pee right now."
For anyone that hasn't noticed yet, I'm pretty smooth

A recent study found that bullies have higher self-esteem, social status and lower levels of depression.  Looks like those stories about bullies really just having a deep-seated hurt and needing a friend were a bunch of BS. That guy was actually stealing your lunch because he knew he was cooler than you and thought he was entitled to your pudding cup.

I think one of the scariest places for me is the bathroom at a public pool or beach, because everything is wet and all I can do is hope that it's water.

I think my biggest relationship goal is to find a girl who would be okay with having the first dance at our wedding be "All My Life" by K-Ci and JoJo.#‎Priorities

There's a dude here in this bar wearing a sweater over a polo.  In fucking August.  Apparently when his friends told him they were going to the club, they meant night and he thought country.

It's kinda sad when you consider the fact that children in the future will never know what made that leg so stanky.

#‎Knuckles: "There's a UFO floating up there in the sky."
Me: "That's the moon..."

Me: "That girl at Arby's was cute."
Josh: "You should just keep going back in there and ordering progressively more food."
Me: "I can see it now, she'll be like, 'Why the hell are you ordering 35 sandwiches?!'"
Josh: "GO OUT WITH ME!!"

I kept seeing people making these. I thought I'd try it.

When you're making a bag of microwave popcorn and the power goes out, it kinda just feels like life is saying, "I want to take away everything that makes you happy."

I was coming home from St. Louis Sunday morning about 3 am, when I had to stop at Moto Mart in Collinsville to get gas and let #‎Knuckles use the bathroom. I was approached by a random stranger who claimed that his car broke down and he needed a ride home just a few miles down the road. After some questions, I agreed to give him a lift home. As a gesture of thanks, he gave us a couple of homemade tie-dye tshirts. So, if you see me wearing a tie-dye shirt, now you know how I got it.

Instead of renting a party bus, I'm just gonna have a bunch of people show up at the nearest bus stop with coolers. Best Metro-bus commute ever.

I believe that America would be in a much better place if people had really taken Vanilla Ice's words to heart. Because I think the biggest issue we face today is that nobody is willing to stop, collaborate and listen. #‎IceIceBaby #‎TooCold

*after watching one of our teammates get a tooth knocked out at hockey tonight*
Jared: "I just want to go home and brush my teeth and be happy."

When I see people with that hair style where one side of their head is shaved, I assume that they're either auditioning for the next Mad Max movie or that's the side they sleep on and they just took an extreme means of fighting bed head.

Since my last post was about hair styles, I'd like to also point out that you can tell that our generation grew up in the heyday of Nickelodeon, because there are way too many guys trying out the Phil DeVille and the Roger Klotz haircuts.

The required test for US citizenship includes all sorts of questions about history, geography, the Constitution, and our government that (judging by the dumb shit I see posted on Facebook) many Americans don't actually seem to know. A better test would be to just put them in a room and play Journey's "Don't Stop Believin" because anyone that doesn't sing along definitely isn't American enough.

I have made 3 trips to 2 different grocery stores in 30 minutes. I've come home with cake mix, Cool Whip and hard cider. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life.

One thing that really annoys me is when other guys don't understand that servers work for tips and think that every waitress is hitting on them. I never think my waitresses are hitting on me. I don't even think women who are hitting on me are hitting on me.

Dear Automatic Bathroom Lights,
I appreciate your enthusiasm for energy conservation, but I wasn't done yet. You're being a bit overzealous. Don't rush me.
Washing my hands by the light of a cell phone

I was called a "misogynist asshole" yesterday because I saw a post saying that we shouldn't call anyone a pussy because it associates a negative quality with a gender; to which I responded by saying that, logically, we also shouldn't call anyone a dick for the same reason and furthermore, we probably just shouldn't be calling people names in general.  I asked several friends what they thought. My female friends assured me that I'm not a misogynist. My male friends unanimously agreed that I'm an asshole.

On December 13, 2014 I posted: 
"My sister just got engaged yesterday. I hope I can find a date in time for the wedding."
The wedding is today. Damnit.

#‎Knuckles: "My hands are full of cheese."

Sometimes the most responsible decision I make all day is not having a beer for breakfast.


Listen to your heart, unless your heart is a dumbass.

So, apparently the power is going to go out every time I try to make popcorn now...

#‎Knuckles has officially been on more dates this year than I have.

I like to give people anniversary cards for their weddings, that way I never have to buy them another card. They can just keep reading the same one every year.

This guy in front of me at White Castle looks just like Colonel Sanders. Not really sure what's happening but either he's defecting from KFC or some shit is about to go down.

Just want to make sure everyone knows that punk's not dead.

But punk likes to get comfortable.

I think it's great when people overcome problems with drugs, alcohol, weight, health, etc. It takes a lot of hard work and they should be proud. But I don't think we give enough credit to people that don't have these problems, either. You never hear anyone say, "Hey dude, I notice that you've never done heroin and I think that's awesome. You probably saved a ton of money on belts. High five! Keep making responsible decisions!"

I'm wearing a shirt with bright pink stripes on it at work today. Pretty sure that means everyone should come up to The Tin Shed to see how fabulous I look and then buy a mattress from me.

I want to open a gym modeled after the rainforest. The treadmills will have a video of a jaguar chasing you. The rowing machine will look like a boat going down the Amazon River. The barbells and weightlifting equipment will look like trees, logs and vines. And I'll call it The Jungle Gym.

I just hooked up my sister and her husband with a sweet new kitchen table and sectional. This means that now when I come over I get to eat dinner at the table and pass out in their living room.
I make the same offer to all my customers: buy a sofa from me and I will come to your house and sleep on it.

I keep seeing people share these things that supposedly give the origin of their name. And apparently, according to this app everyone's name is derived from 2 Arabic words that mean "warrior princess" which is complete bullshit because I don't know a single person named Xena.

A lot of people post memes and complaints about how they don't want to be adults. Really, I think they're just doing it wrong. I never get grounded or told to clean my room. I watch R-rated movies and swear unapologetically in front of my parents. And last night I drank beers til I passed out then I had chocolate milk and M&M's for breakfast this morning. Where's the problem?

#‎Knuckles just told me I'm one of the nicest guys anyone could ever meet.
Apparently he's more drunk than I thought.

Some day I'm going to find a nice girl and want to settle down with her. And then I'll have to explain to her that #‎Knuckles will be living in our basement.

I had cake for breakfast at home this morning (because I'm an adult), then came to work and there was an office birthday so I had cake for lunch, too. Now if I don't have cake for dinner I'm gonna feel like a failure.

Charlie Daniels wrote an open letter to Congress in which he says that they "don't even have the courage to face down an out of control president, even when he makes a deal with the devil."
I think he's just really mad that there was no fiddle-playing contest. #‎DevilWentDownToGeorgia

#‎Knuckles: "Her dad was an undercover cop."
Me: "He wasn't very good at being undercover if you knew about it."

I always have paper plates and plastic forks available at my apartment because sometimes even using the dishwasher seems like too much work.

Generally, people don't tell me that they need me unless it's followed by "to leave."

I think one of the daily struggles that nobody talks about is tucking. Specifically the fact that if at any point of the day you have to re-tuck your shirt into your pants, it's never as good as your first tuck of the day. The initial tuck is always significantly better than all subsequent tucks. It's about time we had some tucking awareness for this tucking problem. #‎TuckIt

I was driving behind a guy who put an extremely large exhaust pipe on his truck and all I could think was, "It would take a lot more than a potato or banana to block that. Like a whole sack of potatoes or a fruit basket. Perhaps a melon of some sort."

I think my next project should be a YouTube series called "The Whenever Show with Ryan Rick." Unlike The Daily Show, or Last Week Tonight, I won't feel any pressure to post updates at regular intervals because I've built laziness into my show title.
Next step: securing correspondents and support staff.

It used to really annoy me when people posted about the mundane things they do every day and tagged themselves at home/work/gym. But now I realize I can use this information about their daily routines to become a successful burglar.

#‎Knuckles is currently mad because he was told that our other roommate's girlfriend is coming over tomorrow and he's required to wear pants.

I woke up this morning and did some cleaning, paid some bills, and did my laundry. Then I started drinking whiskey because I got scared that I was getting too grown up and was not about to deal with that shit.

I'm still waiting for Lou Bega to put out Mambo No. 6

One of the hardest things about being a salesman is that you have to be really strategic about when and where you fart so you don't blow any sales.

          Next up, keep an eye out for my 4 part series; Shameful Strip Club Stories.


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