Sunday, November 1, 2015

October Joke Round-Up

                It’s time for yet another monthly joke round up.  Looking back on this month, I had this Blues home opener on the 8th, which clearly inspired me to make far too many jokes that day, I had a night out at a bar on the 16th, which led to a lot of alcohol induced jokes and I made a few jokes on news stories and current events this month, which makes me topical and relevant.   Enjoy!

"I'm a slow learner, but when I learn it I learn it fast." – #Knuckles

So, Clinton County comes in at No. 10 on this list with 23% of residents reporting excessive drinking. I think that makes this list inaccurate because, from my experience, Clinton County residents have a much different definition of what they believe constitutes "excessive drinking."

October is National Bullying Prevention Month. So, if you know someone who is a bully, punch them in the face. A bloody nose tends to be a great deterrent.

We got some new mattresses in at work and I'm using my time today to test them out so I can better describe them to customers. It may look like I'm napping but I'm actually working quite hard.

Rachel: "You collect a lot of people as friends."
Me: "People are drawn to me."
Anthony: "And/or desperate."
Me: "I'll take desperate."

A recent study suggests that pornography users think more highly of women and hold more egalitarian views. I'm looking forward to when this starts coming up in conversation: "I'm not gonna tell you that I've long been a supporter of women's equality; I think you should check my internet browser history and decide for yourself."

Just saw a guy walk up to another guy who was at a urinal and pass the pisser $30 over his shoulder mid pee. I don't know what's happening in this bathroom but I am suddenly very uncomfortable.

Think about how weird dick pics were back in the day. You had to take the photos, wait for the film from your disposable camera to be developed, then mail them out to women (or presumably hand them to women on the street). Life is so much easier now. #‎DontSendDickPics

Sometimes I have body image issues but then I remember that I'm cute as hell.

I just photo-bombed this same couple 6 times. At this point I don't know if they're oblivious to my presence or if they just really want a picture with me but are too shy to ask.

Sometimes I see a girl walking down the street and think to myself "Damn, she is beautiful," but then I treat her with the same respect that any other human being deserves and don't say stupid, derogatory shit to her while she's just trying to go about her day unharassed.

Just stuck a temporary tattoo on my arm. It's a spider. Feeling pretty badass right now.

It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I have to be honest and confess to everyone: I do not have strong selfie game.

I saw an article online today titled "12 Signs You May Have an Anxiety Disorder." I didn't read the article because I got really worried that it might insinuate that I have an anxiety disorder.

I think it's important not to be blatantly obvious about being attracted to someone as it can be off-putting if you're too forward. That's why when I'm interested in someone I make it a point not to talk to them.

#‎Knuckles: "I've been drinking for 25 years."
Me: "You were drinking when you were 7?"
#Knuckles: "Shit. I mean 15. I rounded wrong."

"Hey girl, why settle for only being let down by the playoffs? You can be disappointed by me all year round." #‎PickUpPutDowns #‎LGB

"Hey girl, sorry if I'm coming on too strong or if I seem desperate, but you're cute and the Blues don't have any Cups so I'm awful thirsty."#‎PickUpPutDowns #‎LGB

"Hey girl, what's the difference between the Blues and me? The Blues will probably score tonight." #‎PickUpPutDowns #‎LGB

Kyle: "In 7 minutes I'm getting a hot dog."
Me: "Well I'm drinking. Like a fucking American."

I see a guy here wearing an Edmonton Oilers jersey and a fanny pack. Canadians are ridiculous.

The mini fridge in our suite put up a valiant fight, but in the end we were victorious and finished every beer in there.

#‎Knuckles is my designated driver tonight. My life has fallen into complete disarray.

I heard that women find a sense of humor attractive. Which means that I'm either not as funny as I think I am, or that I have no other redeeming qualities.

I saw a picture of a traffic jam on a 50 lane road in China. I get nervous when I have to cross 2 lanes of traffic to reach my exit. Pretty sure I'd have a panic attack if I had to cross 48 lanes.

Currently using this open bar to get club soda and treat the stain I just made on my shirt.

I'm not saying that I'm proud of the things that I do, but I'm not as embarrassed as I probably should be.

I saw a girl who had her kid on one of those child leashes and it seemed like a great idea. But I'd take it a step further and get one of those retractable leashes from PetsMart. While I was there I'd also pick up one of those tie-down stakes so I could let my kid play out in the yard.

My neighbors are using a 2 liter bottle of Shasta Cola as a door stop. This neighborhood has really gone downhill; the old neighbors used Pepsi.

I'm looking forward to when baseball is over and my news feed can get back to pictures of food, gym selfies, people breaking up & getting back together with their SO countless times, photos claiming "1 like = 1 prayer", people tagging themselves at home and wishing all of Facebook goodnight like they're writing in their diary, and all the other things that I also do not care about.

Daniel: "My brother is a big Chiefs fan, but I don't really follow hockey."
Me: "Well, good news for you; the Chiefs play football."
Daniel: "Shit..."

I asked #‎Knuckles to turn off the CO2 valve on the kegerator. Confused, he asked me which way to turn it, so I told him "Righty tighty, lefty loosey." I then watched as he turned the CO2 on full blast because he apparently doesn't know right from left.

In honor of Columbus Day, I crossed the river into Missouri today, declared everyone there an Illinoisan and gave several of them smallpox.

My friends are artistic. It is also likely that they hold a lot of (not-so-hidden) contempt for me.

Business Insider made a list of "Things Men Should Never Wear." One of the items on that list is Cargo Pants. I think they're just jealous of all the cool stuff I can carry in my cargo pockets. Yeah, dress slacks look nice but I can fit a whole 6-pack of beers in my pants. That seems like exactly the kind of thing a grown man needs to be wearing.

I don't have any ladies to text so I'm texting dudes about ladies

So, I'm going to dress as Freddie Mercury for Halloween. I need to convince#‎Knuckles to dress as David Bowie so we can show up random places and sing "Under Pressure."

I don't care how gorgeous a woman is or how great her personality is, if she wears cowboy boots, I'm out. #‎DealBreaker

Me: "I was digging the blonde one but I was clearly digging her more than she was digging me. It's a problem I'm very familiar with."
Joel: "I know what you mean."
Me: "Fuck you, you're too handsome to know what I mean."

They're playing "Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk" here. There is no good reason that #‎Knuckles isn't out there dancing right now.

I drink liquor instead of beer because I'm trying to be healthy.

#‎Knuckles is playing Farmville at the bar.

I don't care where I'm at, I will do the Electric Slide because I am a huge fan of electricity.

I found out that #Knuckles gets in the shower and then turns on the water instead of turning on the water and then getting in after it is warm. Clearly, he is a terrorist.

When people talk about how much they love fall I interpret it as "I like when everything is cold and dead."

When Hollywood finally gets around to making a movie about my life, I think#‎Knuckles should be played by Gary Busey.

I think the most dangerous place for a zombie apocalypse to start would be a haunted house/theme park. You wouldn't know if they were real zombies or if the workers were just really committed to their roles

Whenever I go on a dinner date, I make it a point to order something on the menu that's on the more expensive side because I know the girl is using the price of my meal as a guideline to pick hers. So even though I really want that $6.99 burger, I order diamond-crusted albino lobster just to subtly let her know that she can order whatever she wants. Because I'm a gentleman. A big, dumb gentleman.

I will never cheat in a relationship. The thought of me attracting not one, but two women is absolutely preposterous.

I'm miserably full right now but I just got asked if I would like more free prime rib. That's like asking if I'd like more blowjobs. The answer is always a resounding (possibly sleepy) "YES!"

I think it would be fun to get a group of friends together for one of those souvenir old time photos and while everyone else poses in their antique clothes, I stand in the background of the photograph wearing my Marty McFly costume and looking confused.

I just ate a piece of bread slathered with garlic butter. It was basically just a conscious acceptance of the fact that nobody will be looking to kiss me today.

In case anyone thought I was joking yesterday when I said I'd be dressed as Marty McFly all day. I'm a man of my word. #‎GreatScott

I've spent a good portion of my day out running errands and not a single person has said anything about my outfit. This means that either people have recognized that I'm dressed as Marty McFly but are too embarrassed for me to say anything, or they don't recognize the outfit and just think I'm a guy who doesn't know how to dress himself.

I think everyone has had that moment where a friend feels compelled to let you know what your ex is up to and the only sensible response is, "Thanks for the update dude; while we're on the subject of shit I don't wanna talk about, I've got some traumatic childhood experiences you could bring up, too."

At the haunted houses last night you could tell even under all the gory makeup that some of the girls working there were pretty cute. Naturally, I hit on one of them. Sure, she may have been snarling and chasing me with a chainsaw, but at least I know she's crazy from the start instead of finding out 6 months into the relationship.

I have 19 voicemails in my phone. I really want to clear out the notifications but am overly anxious about the time I need to invest to go through them all. So I just keep letting them pile up as I grow more distressed about it. I create my own problems.

One of my roommates left me a 12 pack of ramen. I was excited about it at first. Then I was depressed because being excited over free ramen is like a whole new level of poverty.

There's some girl at this bar dancing around in running shorts, a sports bra and an unzipped jacket. I can't help but think that she was out for a jog when she heard the music and just couldn't resist the urge to get down.

Despite the fact that I moved into my apartment over 5 years ago, the previous tenants have apparently still not bothered change their address. On the bright side, I am enjoying their subscription to Us Weekly.

I think the biggest reason that I haven't been the best man at a wedding is because people are afraid of the toast I'd give.

It's so rare that I have the opportunity to put someone's number in my phone that I forget how to update my contacts when it actually happens.

I’m really good at doing things that don't matter.

Sometimes, when you're an awkward person, you make the mistake of telling a blind person, "See ya around!"

This is what my life has come to.

When I was in high school I took a class called "Keyboarding." I thought I was going to learn how to play Europe's "The Final Countdown." Turns out the class was about learning to type faster. Huge letdown.

There's always so many fad diets going around, I think a lot of people forget that the easiest way to lose weight is poverty.

I had a customer bring me cookies today. Not sure if this means that they thought I was doing a good job or if they just thought I looked fat and hungry. Either way, I'm pretty stoked about it.

So, now processed meats (such as ham, bacon, sausage & hot dogs) "definitely" cause cancer and red meats (like beef, pork & lamb) "probably" cause cancer. Oh well, this is me not caring in the least as I work my way towards my delicious, delicious cancer.

Thought maybe the closed ticket booth was part of the experience...turns out it was just closed.

*watching Children of the Corn*
Me: "You know what this place needs more of?"
Michael: "Corn?"
Me: "Yup."

Got this sweet hat.

Hot dogs and bacon cause cancer? Challenge accepted.

Was driving down the highway and attempting to change lanes. Checked all around to make sure it was clear, then managed to see my own car's shadow out of the corner of my eye as I was merging. Nearly ruined the upholstery in my car. I was literally scared by a shadow. Because I'm lame.

Continuing my deliciously self-destructive path towards cancer with a steak burrito. #‎NoFear

When I was younger, I knew that I wanted to be awesome when I grew up. Now I'm awesome, but still haven't grown up.

It's important to have discipline and goals in life. So, I set some parameters for myself. 
If I sell something today, I'm having rice for dinner.
If I don't sell anything today, I don't get dinner.
If I sell a lot today, I get to put butter in my rice.

I feel like it's worth sharing that this morning I got up early, got showered and ready for work, then took a 30 minute nap before leaving the house. And I managed to rationalize to myself that this was a better idea than just staying in bed longer to begin with. Nothing I do even makes sense any more.

I read an article that said women are more attracted to guys with beards. And I think that's true because since I grew mine I've noticed an exponential increase in the number of women who are interested in me. Of course, an exponential increase in zero is still zero, but the math and logic are sound.

My work project today was to direct and film a short video of one co-worker killing another. I'm a professional.

Somebody told me that I'm "like basically the perfect guy." 
I told her, "I'm not perfect. I have poor eyesight."

If you need a scary last minute Halloween costume go as President Trump. All you have to do is wear a suit, have terrible hair and say ignorant shit all night.

Stay tuned for more fun things this month, including the fabled Knuckles’ Greatest Hits Vol. 2!


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