Previously, I made a post about a girl who had chlamydia and how I freaked out about it but thankfully have never contracted any STIs myself. One thing that a lot of people don’t know about me is that at one point in my life, I worked at an STD/STI hotline. For about a year, I worked for a counseling/testing hotline. People would call up the hotline, we would have to listen to their symptoms and stories, (usually) calm them down and get them scheduled for testing based on what they were most likely at risk of based on what they told us. It was certainly not the most glamorous job, but it was decent pay and not particularly difficult.
Now, as you would expect, I had to learn a lot about sexually transmitted diseases in order to properly direct the callers to the proper test panel that they’d need. To be perfectly frank, I learned more than I ever wanted to know about that stuff and for the most part am still terrified of sex, kissing, hand-holding, being in public or even being looked at the wrong way because people in general are nasty and do disgusting things. To prove my point, I have held on to one particular phone call during my time there as basically the apex of gross ridiculousness. I think you’ll agree.
Me: “Private Health Testing, this is Ryan, how can I help you?”
Caller: “I have AIDS. I know it. I need to get tested. My life is over.”
Me: “Calm down, sir. We’ll get you through this and set up with the appropriate test.”
Caller: “I’m ruined. I’m dead. I just know it. I’ve got AIDS.”
Me: “Why don’t you describe what happened and your symptoms that lead you to believe you’ve contracted HIV, sir?”
Caller: “My wife is going to find out. My whole life is ruined.”
Me: “Sir, what happened?”
Caller: “I…I was in a hotel room. I rented a porno and I started getting really turned on and….Oh god, I’m so fucked.”
Me: “I’m still here, sir. Please continue.”
Caller: “I got really into the porno and I put the hotel tv remote up my butt. Oh god, that thing was probably crawling with diseases. My wife is going to leave me when she finds out I have AIDS.”
Me: “Well, sir, don’t worry. That’s not how you get HIV. But you probably shouldn’t do that anymore.”
Caller: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Yes. Other people need to use those remotes, too.”
I do regret that I didn’t get a chance to ask if he was able to adjust the volume my clinching his cheeks while the remote was in his butt. I’m also totally terrified of using any hotel remotes ever again.