Monday, February 1, 2016

January 2016 Joke Round-Up

Another month gone, another compilation of jokes from me.  I had to put the 2016 in the title now because I already have a January Joke Round Up from last year (that I posted in April because whatever) and have somehow managed to miraculously keep writing new jokes.  Do I still need to keep writing intros for these Joke Round Ups?

This guitarist has an iPad attached to his mic stand and is reading the music as he goes and the singer is reading the lyrics off her phone. Is this an actual band or is it karaoke night?

When we're kids we're all taught to use our imagination and play pretend. I think that's because our parents knew we'd spend our adult lives pretending like we've got our shit together.

It might be a confidence issue when women are even turning me down in my dreams.

Deep down, I think all any of us really wants is to be the person that someone else thinks about whenever they hear "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada.

I got a cocktail shaker and some shot pourers for Christmas. So I've been spinning liquor bottles while dancing in my underwear to "Danger Zone" and shouting "Show me the money!" because I'm not sure which Tom Cruise movie is which.

I'm a pretty daring guy. I like to sleep with my feet out of the covers and hanging over the edge of the bed. #‎NoFear

The Weather Channel has been naming winter storms now. Looking forward to this spring when we have Thunderstorm Beth, Strong Breeze Greg and Sunny Day Tiffany.

I like to drink beers that describe who I am as a person.

I hope to one day own enough treadmills to recreate that OK Go music video in my living room, because I'm getting tired of being kicked out of gyms. #‎DareToDream

Me: "When I die somebody will have to log into my account and keep posting so it looks like I'm haunting Facebook."
#‎Knuckles: "I'll check you in at Blues games and the bar."
Kyle: "I'll tag you at the cemetery."

Donald Trump announced today his campaign to take over as the new head coach of the Blues. His bid to coach the team is highlighted by the motto Make The Blues Great Again. When asked how he could successfully lead the Blues to a Stanley Cup, he was quoted as saying, “Look. We can bring the Cup Dream back. That I will tell you. We’re bringing it back. Okay? And I understand what you’re saying. And I get that from so many people. ‘Are our Cup dreams dead?’ They’re asking me the question, ‘Is the Cup Dream dead?’ And the Cup Dream is in trouble. That I can tell you. Okay? It’s in trouble. But we’re going to get it back and play some real hockey. How about the man with that beautiful Blues sweater? Stand up! Stand up! What a sweater!”
Blues owner Tom Stillman could not be reached for comment.

I like when you're out trying to talk to new people and you can see them mentally swiping left on you.

I usually keep my hockey bag in my car on game days but today I'm keeping it inside because I have no desire to put on an ice-cold cup tonight. #‎FullDisclosure

Hmm...I guess all those people who told me I looked like him were right after all.

Currently loading my iPod up with Whitney Houston and Kenny Loggins. I am an enigma.

I notice a lot of people are upset about the Rams leaving St. Louis. Truth be told, I'm not terribly well versed on the situation, so I did what I always do and took to Google to do a bit of my own research before forming an opinion. According to this map that I found this area is not, in-fact, a good environment for rams to thrive in.

Just paid off another school loan. Adult accomplishments are weird.

I'm actually kind of relieved that I didn't win the Powerball because now I'll know that all the women who aren't dating me aren't doing it because of my money.

If I had a nickel for every time I've been rejected, I could afford to take some lucky lady out on a really fancy dinner date. But I'd probably just end up eating alone twice instead.

Just gonna leave this right here.

I look so sophisticated with this outfit and this glass. Unfortunately, none of the sentences that come out of my mouth could ever qualify as "refined."

I heard Donald Trump is going to put up a firewall to stop illegal downloads.

I really hope there is a youth hockey team in Hershey, PA called the Hershey Squirts.

I went out to eat with a couple of friends last night and, because I eat pretty quickly, by the time the waitress came back for what should have been the mid-meal "does everything taste alright?" check-in I was already finished with my food (my friends were still working on theirs). The waitress looked at me and exclaimed "wow, you're fast," with a mixture of surprise and disgust that told me she really meant, "did you unhinge your jaw and inhale that, you fat piece of shit?"

I saw some ladies posting this. I thought it would be funny if I did, too. You know, ‘cause I'm a dude.

All of those online personality quizzes always have really positive and uplifting descriptions for people. But I'd like to see some brutally honest quizzes that tell people things like "You're actually a huge asshole and a chore to be around. Get your shit together."

When I stop and think about it, high school went pretty well for me. I was one of the most popular kids in school and one of the first to have a mobile phone. I had a smoking hot girlfriend named Kelly. My biggest rival was also one of my best buds, Slater. My principal, Mr. Belding, was always on my case but I think it's because he just really cared. And my friends and I always had time to chill at our favorite hangout spot, The Max, in between classes.

I had someone tell me that I seem like a genuine person. That's such a weird compliment but I guess it's comforting to know that I don't seem like a dog wearing people clothes.


My phone's auto-correct feature finally learned cuss words. Unfortunately, now it wants to use them all the time. It's a little awkward when you text someone "Let's go to the bar and take shits."

As a kid, I would spend days like today outside playing in the snow for hours on end. What an idiot.

I saw a guy out running in the snow. If I ever get that into fitness I want my friends to hold me down and force feed me cake.

Saw a Jimmy John's driver in the drive-thru at Rally's. Not sure if he was getting Rally's or the Rally's guys ordered Jimmy John's.

Facebook should change the "Like" button to a "Put a Ring On It" button.

I always put the seat and lid down on the toilet. Not because I have good manners or have been "trained" by women in my life to do so, but because I'm absolutely terrified that I'll drop my toothbrush and it will bounce off the sink and straight into the toilet if the lid isn't down.

This is how friendships end.

So, this Blues discussion group I'm in usually has a bunch of women posting "gameday selfies" in it. The other day I decided to have a bit of fun and post my own recreation of 90% of those ladies' selfies. #‎TeamSpirit #‎NailedIt

I would eat a dirty sock if it was soaked in Papa John's garlic dipping sauce.

I think part of the reason why I'm single is because I want to date a smart girl, and any girl that would be interested in me is obviously not.

I'm going to start a new diet where I just drink until I throw up. It's like a combination of alcoholism and bulimia. Alcoholimia.

I went to the bathroom at work today and one of the warehouse guys thought it would be funny to block the bathroom door with a pallet while I was in there. It actually was pretty funny but I don't want to appear too lenient so I'm gonna spend the rest of the day issuing write-ups to everyone here. #‎DrunkWithPower

The best part about having a 10:30 hockey game is that I can eat dinner at my normal time and then have a legitimate excuse to eat again later tonight after my game.

Life Pro Tip: Don't die.

Brb, gonna go do donuts in Walmart's parking lot and listen to Danger Zone on repeat.

When you see a cute girl at the store so you wanna act all suave and cool but you're carrying a 72-pack of toilet paper...
"So yeah, I'm really into fiber. How about you?"

According to the annual report for my credit card, a full 10% of my spending for 2015 went to Sam's Pizza and Pub Inc. #‎TreatYoSelf

Yes, that is totally the best picture for "active."

I'd been feeling like there was something missing from my life for a while now, so I finally broke down and downloaded Sisqó's "Thong Song."

I'm going to start using Facebook to tag myself at other people's houses when they're not home.

Realistically, any girl that is not okay with me singing along to every song in the car is not relationship material.

I started my life being born 2 weeks before my due date and I've been coming early ever since. Some call it premature, I prefer to say I'm punctual.

Kyle, Amy, Knuckles, Shannon and I all rode here to Wing Fling in my car. Good thing I don't have a girlfriend or we'd have had to rent a van.


Caught #‎Knuckles reading Us Weekly.

Stay tuned for more fun things!


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