Tuesday, June 1, 2021

May 2021 Joke Round-Up

                Well May is over.  Sadly, the Blues playoff run for this season is also already over but in a weird way I do feel like that means things in general are starting to return to normal from the pandemic (the Blues’ Cup win in 2019 was the last normal season/playoffs that the NHL has had) so I might just be struggling to find positivity in my disappointment.  There’s lot of family representation in my jokes from this past month, as I embarrass my son at scouts and myself at hockey, while also impressing my wife and my daughter with my great hair and cartwheel skills.  There’s some lesson about life needing balance in there.  Let’s get into it. 



I took my son on a Scout campout this weekend. This morning a couple of the other kids were saying that someone was making fart noises outside their tent and now I'm concerned that the entire campground heard me ripping ass in my sleeping bag last night. 



Keeping with the theme of my previous post: one of the things the kids regularly do in Scouts is to stop and listen to identify the various sounds of nature. One of my favorite things to do on our hikes and camping trips is say to my son, "listen for a minute, do you hear that?" and then fart loudly. And honestly I don't know if I want to live in a world where that's not a totally obvious thing to do as a dad. 



Imagine seeing a post about an NHL player getting a fine and thinking, "This is the perfect place to display my ignorance of history and politics." 

Weird flex, but okay.  



Washington Capitals fans this week (and several times every single season). 




Pretty cool that I found this empty wrestling ring background. 




One of my coworkers got me this hairy belly fanny pack as a secret Santa gift. Ever since then I've been telling my son that I'm going to wear it for one of his Scout hikes. 

Last weekend I had the opportunity to break it out as we were on a camping trip and preparing for a hike. As soon as I put this on and said "let's go meet up with the rest of the group" a look of absolute mortification washed over Henry's face. I actually didn't have the heart to embarrass him in front of his friends that bad. But I'm for sure breaking this bad boy out next time we have a family trip to the zoo or something. 




I'm having some trouble with tribbles. 




When I see friends posting ultrasound pictures I'm happy for them, but if I'm being totally honest they all just look like ink blot tests to me. No idea what I'm looking at. 



We adopted our dog, Barclay, so we've never really been quite sure what mix of breeds he is. But according to the vet yesterday he's a little husky. 

Our dog is going on a diet. 



These dogs are gonna party hard. 



I was pretty excited because my son came with me to watch me play hockey tonight. Unfortunately, my team got mercied 10-0. The good news is that at least he'll be firmly entrenched in reality and won't have any misconceptions about his dad being a superhero after watching me manage to trip over my own stick on a breakaway. 



Sometimes instead of music I like to put on tv shows or movies in the background while I work. Today's background noise was Chopped, Legally Blonde, & Under Siege. And I do feel that this does a great job of representing what a ridiculous mish-mash of a human being I actually am 



I got my hair cut today, which spelled the end for my frosted tips. When I got home my wife said, "I'm suddenly much more attracted to you now that you don't have frosted tips." 

Obviously she's lying, but I do appreciate her extremely transparent attempt to cheer me up. 



It's the last day of school. Gonna write H.A.K.A.S. in my kids' yearbook. 



Just picking up some snacks. 




This is a dangerous place to have my computer. 




Abby: "I bet you can't even do a cartwheel." 

Me: "Oh okay." *does a (rather impressive) cartwheel* 

Abby: "What?! How can you do that? I thought your bones were old and creaky?" 


I feel like it’s not all that often that I’m able to use a current meme format before it goes out of style, so I hope we’ve all properly appreciate that Falcon & The Winter Soldier reference.  Those rare successes will be the ones I fondly recall when I retell them to the rest of the old folks at the nursing home that Abby is apparently ready to send me to in the near future. 



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