June 2018 Joke Round-Up

                June is done.  In May my fiancée and I bought a house.  In June we actually moved into the house and started the process of figuring out what to do with all of our shit.  With all of this going on, I feel like I didn’t write nearly as many jokes this month because if I wasn’t working I was probably passed out.  I had lots of pictures, though, which Facebook has been kind enough to let me know that people enjoy my pictures more than my words because this is 2018 and we’re slowly transitioning away from language as our primary form of communication.  So here are some words and pictures that may or may not be jokes.

6/2

There's a first time for everything. #NoDabbing

6/5

This morning I remembered that I was supposed to give a coworker a ride to work yesterday. #BetterLateThanNever

6/10

*The kids playing Super Mario Bros. 3*

Henry: "I don't like the guy that throws socks."
Abby: "Those are boomerangs. Weirdo."

To be fair, they do kinda look like tube socks.

6/14

This shot of me napping with my dad's dog looks like the worst senior picture ever.

6/15

I called DirecTV to cancel my service, as I won't be using them at the new house.
Rep: "Mr. Rick, I see you've been a customer with us since 2011, we want to thank you for your loyalty. How can I help you today?"
Me: "Remember when you thanked me for being a loyal customer? You might wanna walk back that statement."

6/15

My conversation with a DirecTV rep about cancelling my service turned into a weird breakup conversation where I was essentially convincing them "it's not you, it's me."

"I'm just going in a different direction right now. I just bought a house and am making changes to my finances. I enjoyed my service, I really did."

6/21

I've seen an increasing number of different Oreo flavors recently and I'm wondering at what point does society discard all other foods and just have a spread of flavored Oreos for Thanksgiving dinner?

6/21

Extreme mosquito activity is extreme. #EXTREME

6/21

A happy little accident?

6/22

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

6/28

Finished making tacos for dinner right as the power went out with tornado sirens blaring in the background. If this is the way I go out, I'd say I did well.

6/28

Update: the tacos were delicious but the tornado chickened out.

6/29

Because the power was out for several hours last night, I had to use sonar to go to the bathroom. The pee stains all over my living room carpet indicate that I was not successful.

6/30

Parenting win.

6/30

I feel personally attacked.

                If I don’t write a mess of jokes this month now that we’re settled in to the house, it’s probably because I spent the whole month fucking around on that slip ‘n slide. Assuming that I have competent supervision, of course.

-Ryan

May 2018 Joke Round-Up

                So, May was a fun month.  I closed on a house and then spent what felt like an eternity peeling wallpaper.  You’ll see my excitement over the wallpaper pop up in the middle of the month.  I also got to make topical jokes about the Royal Wedding, the new Han Solo movie and the unfortunate side effects of certain sleeping pills.  Anyways, here are the jokes.

5/2

Currently trying to convince my fiancée that the best way to end our wedding ceremony is for the officiant to wait until after our first kiss, pull out a guitar and say, "Anyway, here's Wonderwall."

She said maybe...

5/2

One thing I’ve learned recently is that I write too many pointed/risqué jokes to be an acceptable guest speaker at the White House Correspondents Dinner, but that I’m also not enough of an asshole to be elected president. This is limiting the pool of things that I can realistically accomplish in my lifetime.

5/4

In retrospect, it's been pretty evident for a while now that I'd make a good dad because ever since I first got roommates I've been really concerned with who's messing with the damn thermostat.

5/5

All of these packaged food items labeled "Family Size" are bullshit. I have to buy one for me and one for the rest of the family.

5/7

A few weeks ago I went to a local health fair and had a comprehensive blood screening done. It was arguably one of the worst decisions I’ve made because I went from being a relatively healthy person with no noticeable maladies to a guy whose brain is now constantly butting in during the day to say, “Hey man, I feel like my cholesterol is hurting.”

5/8

"NO! It won't be the same and I'm insulted that you'd even suggest to me something so obviously unacceptable. Don't pretend like it could ever be the same."

My reaction to my fiancée suggesting that I wrap up the last piece of garlic bread and reheat it later. #NotOverreacting

5/9

Looks like I found my spirit animal.

5/9

Just need a little ranch dressing.

5/11

I used to be an atheist but now that I've started tearing down wallpaper I believe the devil is real.

5/13

I've been able to get the kids to help set up the new house by turning the work into fun games like "Whoever Peels The Most Wallpaper Gets To Eat Dinner Tonight."

5/13

I think I'm going to start saving the receipts for all the Mother's Day gifts the "kids" get for my fiancée and cash them in when they turn 18. I'm sure I can spin it into some kind of valuable life lesson for them and if she does the same for Father's Day we can probably get a nice vacation out of it. #InvestingForOurFuture

5/15

Today I used the Pythagorean Theorem to help a customer determine how big of a TV they could fit in a wall unit entertainment center. Never let anyone tell you that you won't use math to solve important, everyday problems.

5/16

This bums me out. #MissedOpportunity

5/19

I'll admit that I haven't followed wrestling in a long time, but I am really confused by what they're doing with the matches and storylines these days. No pins or eliminations, no title belts, nobody got power bombed through a table; the Royal Wedding was awful.

5/19

Yesterday Henry wanted to listen to Bohemian Rhapsody and Abby started crying because she didn't like it. Needless to say, we only have 1 child now.

5/23

I (finally) watched the Suits season finale last night so in my world Meghan Markle is just up and marrying everybody this week.

5/24

I saw a train go by that was only 3 cars long but was blaring the horn non-stop. Obviously, he was over compensating.

5/25

Last night I fell asleep with the TV on and had a dream that Ice Cube and I had a cooking show on YouTube based out of an old rundown apartment. I woke up and 22 Jump Street was on, which at least explains Ice Cube...but other than that...wtf?

5/25

I haven't seen it yet but if I find out that Jason Derulo's "Ridin' Solo" is not heavily featured in the soundtrack for Solo: A Star Wars Story, I'm gonna be pissed.

5/26

This is how professionals do it.

5/31

Guys, the warning is right there on the label...

                One exciting thing to look forward for the next month is getting all moved into the new house and having absolutely no motivation to ever leave it again.

-Ryan

April 2018 Joke Round-Up

                I actually forgot what an eventful month April was until I was making this post.  Look at all these damn pictures!  I also had my first ever poll on the Last Place Trophies Facebook page in which we discovered that people narrowly prefer Con Air to The Rock; science!  As you can tell from these jokes, I am in the process of both buying a house and planning a wedding because if you’re going to make big life changes, you might as well try to get it all done at once to see exactly how much stress your body can handle before collapsing inward on itself.  Just kidding, there’s actually a whole year until the wedding because my fiancé and I tried to space things out enough to give ourselves room to breathe (I’m going to take credit for that because, as you’ll see from the jokes, I’m the responsible one).   Anyways, here’s the jokes!

4/1

My fiancée got our first pieces of wedding paraphernalia. I thought they were shot glasses. Apparently they are candle holders. I think that accurately captures where our priorities lie.

4/4

Since I'm an ordained minister (what, like it's hard?) one of my friends asked me to officiate his wedding this fall. Currently trying to convince him that I need to perform the ceremony dressed like this.

4/9

One of my biggest fears in life is appendicitis because if it ever happens to me I'll either end up with a massive, unavoidable bill for surgery or I'll die at home because I keep telling myself "It's not that bad, it'll pass."

4/11

The cool thing about a home inspection is that you get to pay a lot of money for someone to give you a list of things you should spend money on.

4/12

Disappointing!

4/12

A necessary addition.

4/16

I can't be the only person that thinks special counsel Robert Mueller looks like he could be Luke & Owen Wilson's dad...

4/16

This is an important question, so it necessitates a poll. If you could only watch 1 Nic Cage movie for the rest of your life, would it be The Rock or Con Air?

4/17

Today there was a dog on the roof of my neighbor's garage. Because reasons.

4/19

I ordered 1 sandwich and fries. Apparently Burger King wanted me to have an entire ketchup packet for every fry.

4/20

My biggest accomplishment recently is writing a formula in Microsoft Excel that solves for how many taco 12-packs I need to adequately feed x number of friends.

4/20

So this is just an every day thing now...?

4/21

The hardest part about cancelling my gym membership was the fact that I am certain the gym employee was judging me for my conscious decision to live my life as a fatass.

4/21

The kids are at a birthday party so my fiance and I have a few hours of grown up time to ourselves. We're playing Pokemon and eating ice cream.

4/22

Today my fiance locked herself out of her house and my roommate locked himself out of our apartment; both of whom needed me to come let them in. This proves that I'm the most responsible adult in 2 households.

4/24

No, that does not sound like something I want to eat.

4/24

My sister recently announced that she was pregnant and I have been very excited to tell people that I'm going to be a fun uncle: a funcle. Strangely, my fiance has been less enthusiasic about the fact that I keep referring to her as a real cool aunt...

4/27

I'm so lazy that I'd rather watch a garbage movie I have no interest in on Netflix than leave the house for a movie I actually want from Redbox. Netflix's business model is built on people like me. We are legion.

4/28

I hate those posts people share that say things like "would you punch your best friend for a million dollars" or "you can live in this mansion rent free for a year but no internet, would you?" You don't know my struggle. I've eaten expired foods in my fridge because I didn't want to waste $4. Give me a challenge.

By the way, thanks for continuing to come back and read these round ups even though I’ve totally failed to put any actual writing in between them.  You’re great for doing that.

-Ryan