Wednesday, June 1, 2016

May 2016 Joke Round-Up

                So, it’s most likely abundantly clear to anyone that pays any attention to my blog or joke-writing that I didn’t do much this past month.  Like most everything else, I have an excuse (or several) for this.  As you may know from some of my other posts, I’m a huge fan of the St. Louis Blues; and for the first time in a long time they made a deep playoff run and I found myself happily enjoying Blues hockey in May.  Unfortunately, that still ended in heartache.  I also dabbled in a little bit of the dating world, and while not disastrous enough to make a blog post out of it, I did come to the regretful realization that I’m far too emotionally detached to successfully navigate a relationship, which isn’t all bad because that same emotional detachment is what allows me to write my jokes (of which I already said I didn’t write many this month because of various reasons, so shut up, I don’t care if it makes no sense).    Anyways, here are some jokes that I did write!

I consider myself fortunate that my friends not only tolerate, but encourage my juvenile sense of humor.

Garlic fries for lunch. Noodles with pesto for dinner. Probably just gonna eat a raw onion for a snack later just to ensure that nobody ever has a face to face conversation with me again in my life.

Very tired this morning. Sleepily tried to do my hair with my toothbrush instead of a comb. Still a great hair day. Need to floss.

Alright, America, I think it's time to end the ridiculousness. Every time Trump speaks I find myself hoping that Ashton Kutcher interrupts him to tell us we've been Punk'd. I don't even like Ashton Kutcher.

I think it's funny that Americans get so excited to go out to Mexican restaurants for Cinco de Mayo. I never see Mexicans lining up to go to Longhorn Steakhouse on the 4th of July.
Side note: I am well aware that Cinco de Mayo is not Mexican Independence Day. And if you didn't know that, I suggest you Google it. Knowledge is power!

What has my life come to when making it through an entire movie without needing a bathroom break has become a source of personal pride? Either movies are getting too long or my bladder is too small. Also, I have weird measures for personal success.

I know I'm not Mr. Right because every time I've disagreed with a woman she told me I was wrong.

I like Hungry Man frozen dinners because I think they accurately describe me. That being said, I have never eaten a SmartOnes.

I keep beer in my refrigerator's vegetable drawer because hops count as produce.

"Hey girl, I was gonna ask you to hang out sometime, but I figured I'd save us both the time and tell myself you're busy."

Having a roommate is a lot like having a dog, except he pees in the house more and gets all weird when I try to rub his tummy.

I'd rather have a dog than a girlfriend. At least for the next 12 years or so the dog would be excited to see me every day. And we could play fetch.

My refrigerator broke. Not cool.

Burn your hand and you forget about it after a few minutes. Burn your mouth and for the next week you have a constant reminder that you're an idiot.

Tried to buy bananas the other night and my card got declined. Apparently my bank considers me buying healthy food as "suspicious activity."

I think "brunch" is just a fancy way of saying "I woke up late but still want biscuits and gravy."

On a serious note, the worst part about that Blues goal getting called back for offsides against Dallas last night was that I was taking a shot every time we scored and I had to puke that one back up.

"It would be clean, but your socks are on the floor. Mine are at least hung up neatly on the lamp." -Matt

When you find evidence of the exact moment someone decided to turn their life around.

I really don't know what company actually makes pallets, but I am positive that their entire advertising plan is just to post obnoxious projects on Pinterest.

After my last post, I figured I'd try my own DIY pallet project. Did you know that if you set a pallet on the floor, you can stack things on it and then ship it? Eat your heart out, Pinterest!

I don't really understand flirting, so sometimes I just tell women "Hey, I am hitting on you right now."

Took a selfie with this dog.

Got out of a movie tonight and had this text from my roommate. This only raises more questions.

I think people overuse the word "epic."
Gilgamesh would be disappointed.

Me: "All in all, I'm a terrible person."
Co-worker: "But if it weren't for all that, you wouldn't be you."

Pro Tip: It doesn't matter how long you sit at a stop sign. It won't turn green.

I think a healthy & active lifestyle is important. And going to the gym can do great things for your body & mind. But unfortunately for some people, treating your body like a temple won't make the person inside the temple any less of a tool.

If there is one thing I've learned from my past relationships, it's not to get into a relationship.

I understand that the gorilla Harambe was shot because it had the potential to cause significant harm to that child. But I don't understand why they didn't shoot the kid's mother next using the same logic.

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I'd be a good parent. At the very least, I'd like to reassure my (imaginary)future wife that I would never let our (equally imaginary) kids fall into a gorilla exhibit. And I picked up a handy parenting tool, just to be sure.

                One final note, as of the end of this month, my longtime roommate and near-constant source of amusement, #Knuckles, moved out into a house.  While it is intimidating to know that I no longer have a walking punchline living down the hall from me, I am still dedicated to bringing stories of his misadventures to the public and have some material in mind for a future installment of #Knuckles’ Greatest Hits.  Not to mention a shitload of other stories that I’ve still got planned out to write.  Stay tuned.  I’ll stop being a bum and write things.


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