So, it’s most likely
abundantly clear to anyone that pays any attention to my blog or joke-writing
that I didn’t do much this past month.
Like most everything else, I have an excuse (or several) for this. As you may know from some of my other posts,
I’m a huge fan of the St. Louis Blues; and for the first time in a long time
they made a deep playoff run and I found myself happily enjoying Blues hockey
in May. Unfortunately, that still ended
in heartache. I also dabbled in a little
bit of the dating world, and while not disastrous enough to make a blog post out of it, I did come to the regretful realization that I’m far too emotionally
detached to successfully navigate a relationship, which isn’t all bad because
that same emotional detachment is what allows me to write my jokes (of which I
already said I didn’t write many this month because of various reasons, so shut
up, I don’t care if it makes no sense). Anyways, here are some jokes that I did
write!
5/2
I
consider myself fortunate that my friends not only tolerate, but encourage my
juvenile sense of humor.
5/3
Garlic
fries for lunch. Noodles with pesto for dinner. Probably just gonna eat a raw
onion for a snack later just to ensure that nobody ever has a face to face
conversation with me again in my life.
5/4
Very
tired this morning. Sleepily tried to do my hair with my toothbrush instead of
a comb. Still a great hair day. Need to floss.
5/4
Alright,
America, I think it's time to end the ridiculousness. Every time Trump speaks I
find myself hoping that Ashton Kutcher interrupts him to tell us we've been
Punk'd. I don't even like Ashton Kutcher.
5/5
I
think it's funny that Americans get so excited to go out to Mexican restaurants
for Cinco de Mayo. I never see Mexicans lining up to go to Longhorn Steakhouse on the 4th of July.
Side
note: I am well aware that Cinco de Mayo is not Mexican Independence Day. And
if you didn't know that, I suggest you Google it. Knowledge is power!
5/6
What has my life come to when making it through an entire
movie without needing a bathroom break has become a source of personal pride?
Either movies are getting too long or my bladder is too small. Also, I have
weird measures for personal success.
5/8/2012
I know I'm not Mr. Right because every time I've disagreed
with a woman she told me I was wrong.
5/8/2013
I like Hungry Man frozen dinners because I think they
accurately describe me. That being said, I have never eaten a SmartOnes.
5/9/2014
I keep beer in my refrigerator's vegetable drawer because
hops count as produce.
5/9/2013
"Hey girl, I was gonna ask you to hang out sometime, but
I figured I'd save us both the time and tell myself you're busy."
5/10/2014
Having a roommate is a lot like having a dog, except he pees
in the house more and gets all weird when I try to rub his tummy.
5/10/2013
I'd rather have a dog than a girlfriend. At least for the
next 12 years or so the dog would be excited to see me every day. And we could
play fetch.
5/10/2013
My refrigerator broke. Not cool.
5/10/2012
Burn your hand and you forget about it after a few minutes.
Burn your mouth and for the next week you have a constant reminder that you're
an idiot.
5/11
Tried to buy bananas the other night and my card got
declined. Apparently my bank considers me buying healthy food as
"suspicious activity."
5/12/2013
I think "brunch" is just a fancy way of saying
"I woke up late but still want biscuits and gravy."
5/12
On a
serious note, the worst part about that Blues goal getting called back for
offsides against Dallas last night was that I was taking a shot every time we
scored and I had to puke that one back up.
5/16/2011
"It
would be clean, but your socks are on the floor. Mine are at least hung up
neatly on the lamp." -Matt
5/16
When you
find evidence of the exact moment someone decided to turn their life around.
5/19
I really
don't know what company actually makes pallets, but I am positive that their
entire advertising plan is just to post obnoxious projects on Pinterest.
5/20
After my
last post, I figured I'd try my own DIY pallet project. Did you know that if
you set a pallet on the floor, you can stack things on it and then ship it? Eat
your heart out, Pinterest!
5/21/2013
I don't
really understand flirting, so sometimes I just tell women "Hey, I am
hitting on you right now."
5/22
Took a
selfie with this dog.
5/26
Got out
of a movie tonight and had this text from my roommate. This only raises more
questions.
5/27
I
think people overuse the word "epic."
Gilgamesh
would be disappointed.
5/30/2012
Me: "All in all, I'm a terrible person."
Co-worker: "But if it weren't for all that, you wouldn't be you."
Co-worker: "But if it weren't for all that, you wouldn't be you."
5/30/2012
Pro Tip: It doesn't matter how long you sit at a stop sign.
It won't turn green.
5/30/2014
I think a healthy & active lifestyle is important. And
going to the gym can do great things for your body & mind. But
unfortunately for some people, treating your body like a temple won't make the
person inside the temple any less of a tool.
5/30/2014
If there is one thing I've learned from my past
relationships, it's not to get into a relationship.
5/31
I understand that the gorilla Harambe was shot because it had
the potential to cause significant harm to that child. But I don't understand
why they didn't shoot the kid's mother next using the same logic.
5/31
Sometimes I wonder whether or not I'd be a good parent. At
the very least, I'd like to reassure my (imaginary)future wife that I would
never let our (equally imaginary) kids fall into a gorilla exhibit. And I
picked up a handy parenting tool, just to be sure.
One final note, as
of the end of this month, my longtime roommate and near-constant source of
amusement, #Knuckles, moved out into a house.
While it is intimidating to know that I no longer have a walking
punchline living down the hall from me, I am still dedicated to bringing
stories of his misadventures to the public and have some material in mind for a
future installment of #Knuckles’ Greatest Hits.
Not to mention a shitload of other stories that I’ve still got planned
out to write. Stay tuned. I’ll stop being a bum and write things.
-Ryan
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