July 2016 Joke Round Up

                July is over with and here’s the rundown of all the jokes I wrote this past month.  Couple of things worth noting, first of all, good for me for doing the bare minimum to get an actual article out this month in between this and the last joke round up.  I actually had started another article but ran into a little bit of writer’s block, which I am certain can be resolved with a little bit of alcohol.  And I’ve come full circle to the time last year when I started looking back at jokes from 2014 and earlier, so from here on out, you’ll probably not see many jokes from previous years as I’ve likely already posted all of them.  With those disclaimers out of the way, enjoy!

7/1

#NailedIt

7/1/2013

I can tell it's Canada Day because all I've wanted to do today is listen to Rush and pronounce words funny.

7/1/2013

"I didn't choose to get drunk, I just did." - ‪#‎Knuckles

7/2/2014

I was watching Iron Chef America and the episode was Battle Beer. Unfortunately, the chefs spent the whole competition using the beer as an ingredient in their food rather than drinking it all and attempting to cook something edible without burning down the kitchen.

7/2

I went to Waffle House the other day at 3 a.m. (I'll let you assume why) and ordered hash browns with mushrooms, ham, cheese and gravy. They screwed up my order, skipping the cheese and gravy, and instead putting chili on it. Not sure if it was an honest mistake or if the server/cook was trying to hook me up but I had to leave a few bucks extra on the tip because it was the first time I've ever had a restaurant mess up my order and actually make it better.

7/2/2014

I had to receive training for "reasonable suspicion drug testing" at work. I learned that one of the symptoms that may tip you off to an employee using cocaine is if they are "craving more cocaine." Good to know.

7/2

#Knuckles

7/5

Saw a girl at the baseball game using Snapchat. I shouted, "YEAH SNAPCHAT!" then when she turned around to look at me I gave her a thumbs up. I basically have the best people skills.

7/7

Facebook is suggesting a "Christians for Trump" group to me. It's like you don't even know anything about me...

7/8

I like to think I'm a pretty tolerant guy who is really accepting of all colors, but this employee at Qdoba just gave me salsa verde when I clearly asked for salsa roja and I'm not okay with that. ‪#‎BilingualJoke

7/8

I'm just waiting for someone to make an app combining Pokemon Go and Tinder; you walk around and throw Pokeballs at people nearby that you want to hook up with and they choose to either stay in the ball or shake free. Kinda torn on whether I think this idea is brilliant or pathetic.

7/9

I bought a new pair of shoes at work today. It's a little strange to be spending money at the place I go to make money, but the really weird part is that I work in a furniture store.

7/10/2011

Man is naturally faster than the turtle.

7/10/2013

I like when people post statuses about weather because sometimes I worry that my house is the only one getting rain.

7/10

Brain: "Hey man, I bet that cute girl over there would be really into you if you walked up to her and said some really stupid shit."

7/10

Had a spam account message me tonight, but I made my priorities clear.

7/11/2013

I always ignore the microwave instructions that say "let food cool 1 minute before eating." If I wanted to wait 2 minutes to eat, I wouldn't have bought food that I can cook in 1 minute.

7/11/2014

I've always heard that women are attracted to guys with a sense of humor. And I think that means that I'm not very funny.

7/11

Was making my lunch for work today and made the unfortunate discovery that my bread was moldy. So now my lunch is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a hamburger bun. ‪#‎CalledAnAudible

7/12

UPDATE: I failed to buy a new loaf of bread yesterday, so today for lunch I'm having a turkey sandwich on a hot dog bun. It's like a tiny hoagie.

7/12

In case anyone was wondering what I'm doing with my life.

 

7/14

One of my favorite hobbies is watching how often people who are "so in love" break up with each other on Facebook.

7/15

Went to a concert that started at 8 pm. At 8:30 I get this message from ‪#‎Knuckles:
"Are you going tonight and what time are you getting there?"

I mean, obviously my plan was to get there before the show started...

7/15

I think Jason Mraz came to this show at The Firebird.

7/16/2013

Honestly, all a guy really wants is a girl who thinks it's cute how stupid he is.

7/18

My roommate's cat pooped in a pair of pants that I had laying on my bedroom floor. A cat pooped in my pants...

7/19

I like to use Facebook to post about the daily activities of my life in exhausting detail, then complain that other people are "in my business."

7/22

Trump vowed to bring back Law & Order, but I think if he really wanted to win over a group of passionate, single-issue voters he should have promised to bring back Firefly.

7/23

I think it's important to remember that a 0% success rate is also a 100% failure rate, and 100% is pretty damn impressive.

7/24/2013

When you're talking to a police officer, asking "Keeping busy?" is a bad excuse for small talk.

7/24

I think one of the best ways to teach children about adversity and struggle is to buy them RoseArt crayons instead of Crayola.

7/25/2012

I don't get embarrassed very easily. I think that's because there's not really anything much more embarrassing than being me on a daily basis.

7/25/2014

Partied with some cops tonight, got tased for fun. The American dream.

Also, I peed in the grass in front of the cop's cruiser before I got zapped because I was worried the shock might make me piss myself.

7/25

Lately I see a lot of people say that they like Trump because he "speaks from his heart" and I know it's been a long time since I've had an anatomy class but I'm pretty sure the heart is not located in your ass.

7/25

Trying to get in some practice time for hockey and this game of bicycle Polo is going on at the rink. Probably the first time I've ever been amongst a group of people and been certain that I'm not the lamest person there.

7/26

Breaking down barriers over here.

7/26

Truthfully, I don't really have a personality; I'm just a series of jokes and stories parading around as a semi-competent human.

7/27

Remember back in school when the teacher would have a discussion about the assigned reading and would call on students to give their thoughts? You could always tell which kids didn't do any of the reading and were just making shit up as they went.

That's what political arguments on the internet are like.

7/29

Today I heard a cover of "How Will I Know" by Sam Smith and it was legitimately one of the worst things I've ever heard. Come to find out, this was recorded in 2014. Why were more people not angry about this? I feel insulted on behalf of Whitney.

7/29

Realistically, I could be making out with a girl and still be thinking to myself, "Eh, I'm not really sure if she likes me or is just being nice."

7/30

I've seen a lot of pictures of people that have gone to those places where you drink wine and make a painting. It's given me a business idea that's a little more my speed; a room full of typewriters where people get smashed on whiskey and are given a writing prompt. I'll call it Hemingway's.

7/31

I heard that the county fair where I live had a lawnmower demolition derby. And while my brain knows that it was riding lawnmowers, my heart wants to believe that it was just a bunch of guys slamming push-mowers into each other.

                I know I say it after every one of these, but I do still have some great stories I’m working on and maybe I’ll be a productive human being and actually finish some of them.

-Ryan

Is This Beer?!

                So, this is easily one of my favorite stories I’ve ever had the pleasure of being involved in and it’s one that’s been a long time coming for me to actually put down on paper (or internet, whatever).  With that being said, if you dislike this story, then you’re wrong and I hate you because this one is very near and dear to my heart.

                This story starts way back when I was just a wee 21 year-old lad.  My buddy Adam’s family was moving into a new house and there were a few days in which their old house was completely empty but not sold.  Naturally, because we were mature, responsible people we thought this was a great occasion to have a little get-together in the empty house.  Realistically, it was not a huge, raging party; I think at the most we had 8 people there just sitting on the floor of the rec room playing cards and drinking beer.  Contrary to where you may think this story is going, absolutely nothing of interest happened during the larger part of this soiree. Eventually, everyone left except for me, LP and Adam.  That’s where the ridiculousness starts.

                I don’t really recall why it happened aside from the fact that he’s just as much of an idiot as the rest of us, but at one point while we were standing out in the backyard Adam made a stupid face, grunted and tossed his empty beer can backwards over his shoulder, where it bounced right into the house’s half-empty pool.  Let me reinforce to you at this point the pool was half-empty, because it is actually really important to the story.  So important that I drew this artist’s approximation of what it looked like, just in case you are not familiar with the fact that, in a half empty pool, water collects in the deep end (I’m so helpful).

Pictured here: Me being an amazing artist

                Because we were definitely not supposed to be there drinking in the empty house, Adam now panicked at his own actions because he knew his parents would be pissed off at him if they came to the house and found a beer can floating around in the pool so he decided to go into the pool after it.  Because he didn’t want to either strip down or get his clothes wet, he opted to use the tiny ledge running around the pool to try and sidle his way across the deep end and grab the floating beer can without actually submerging himself in the water.   If you’ve never seen someone sidle across a narrow ledge before, let me give you a visual aid:

Adam is always broke, though, so he would not have that many rupees.

                So, Adam crept carefully across the ledge closer and closer to the beer can.  When he thought he was close enough to grab the can, he reached out and immediately fell right the fuck into the water.  To LP and I this was hilarious to see Adam uselessly splashing around in water.  To Adam, it was not as funny because he had just fallen into the pool with his wallet and phone.  And if you look up at the fantastic picture of a pool that I drew, you’ll see that the incline from the deep end to the shallow end was underwater, which meant it was way too slippery for Adam to walk up, but far too shallow for him to swim up, trapping him in the deep end of the pool.  Adam, being stubborn as hell, kept trying to walk up the incline only to hilariously and pathetically slide back down every time.

                Because I’m the kind of quick thinking person who can keep his cool in crisis situations such as this, I immediately grabbed the pool skimmer and held it out for Adam to grab ahold of in hopes that I could use it to pull him out of the pool.  I should, however, point out that while I was smart enough to use this as a tool to pull Adam out of the pool, none of us were smart enough to use this skimmer as a way to fetch the beer can out of the pool.  After several failed attempts and getting nearly pulled into the water myself, Adam was finally dragged out of the deep end of the pool.  He emptied his pockets to find that his wallet and phone were both ruined, looked back and the beer can and decided it was a lost cause; again failing to realize that the pool skimmer I was still holding was a perfectly viable solution to retrieving the can.

                At this point, for whatever reason (likely just being naturally stupid and a little drunk), LP and Adam decide that they’re going to have some sort of ill-advised strong-man competition and disappeared off to the garage to wrestle or measure dicks or something; whatever it was, it left me all alone in the backyard.  As I stared at the can, still floating around the deep end of the pool, I realized that this was my moment to be the hero of the night and retrieve the offending piece of evidence.  But I also knew that I was going to be smarter than Adam and strip down to my boxers before getting in the pool so as not to ruin anything in my pockets or have to spend the rest of the night with wet clothes.  Take note that, again, I was not smart enough to use the fucking pool skimmer to grab that stupid can.  So I stripped down, hopped into the pool and went straight for the can and this is the moment that Adam walked back out to the backyard to find me mostly naked and wading around in the waist deep water.

This is exactly what it looked like, ladies.

                I grabbed the can, tossed it up onto the patio for us to get rid of and asked Adam to help me out of the pool.  He grabbed the skimmer, THAT WE STILL NEVER THOUGHT TO USE TO GET THAT DAMN CAN, and hopped down in the shallow end and held it out for me to grab onto; which I did and then immediately managed to pull him into the water with as I now found myself struggling to get out.  So now we’ve managed to extricate the can from the pool and have replaced it with two idiots (one of them in his underwear) and a pool skimmer, as LP stands up on the patio continuing to drink his beer and tell us, “Good luck getting out of there, dicks.”

                It took a couple of minutes, but I finally managed to jump up, grab the side ladder on the deep end and pull myself up before reaching back and helping Adam out, too.  We were out of the pool, the beer can was out of the pool, at no point did we realize the skimmer would have been useful in keeping us out of the pool and all was basically right with the world again.  I went into the rec room to take off my soaked boxers and put on the rest of my dry clothes (I figured going commando was my best option for the rest of the night) and Adam just gave up because he didn’t have anything dry and decided that he would just be wet forever.  So I walked in to the rec room with my dry clothes and dropped trou right away to exchange my wet underwear for my dry clothes.  No sooner than I had done this, LP absentmindedly walked into the rec room to get another beer from the cooler, saw me standing there ass-naked and quite nonchalantly said, “Uh, see ya later,” and just went home.

                This left just Adam and I there at the house, a little buzzed, varying degrees of wet and getting increasingly hungry.  Of course, the diner in our town didn’t open until 5 a.m. and it was at the point only 2 a.m. so we had some time to kill before we could go get some sustenance; and because we’re not total idiots, we thought we would use this down time to clean up any empty beer cans, boxes, or other evidence of our shindig by gathering up all the garbage and putting it in the trunk of my car then driving a couple of miles down the road to the city pool/fairgrounds and dropping off all the trash in the dumpster there because it seemed like a good idea.  We went back to the empty house and posted up in the rec room, where there was still a TV connected to cable for whatever reason, to hang out for a couple of hours and shoot the shit until the diner opened.

                Unfortunately for us, we both fell asleep on the floor in the rec room while trying to watch TV.  Typically, this would not be a problem, but if this was any sort of a typical situation, this would not even be a story right now.  About 4 a.m. for whatever reason, Adam’s dad comes in, for some reason dressed like he’s going to work at 4 o’clock on a Saturday morning, and starts just absolutely losing his shit at us; I mean, he is PISSED and considering the fact that he has walked in on just 2 guys sleeping on a floor with a TV tuned to Comedy Central and no evidence of a party whatsoever, we are pretty dumbfounded.  As I recall, the conversation (if you can call it that) went something like this:

Adam’s Dad: “Both of you get up! Wake up! Get up right now!”

Adam: “Dad, what’s up?”

Adam’s Dad: “What the hell are you doing here? WHY ARE YOU IN THE HOUSE?!”

Adam: “We were just hanging out watching some TV.”

*Adam’s dad walks over to a wet spot on the rec-room carpet (it’s that indoor-outdoor carpet) from where Adam or myself dripped after being in the pool*

Adam’s Dad: “WHAT IS THIS? *points at the wet spot* IS THIS BEER?!  IS THIS HOW YOU EARN MY TRUST? WITH THIS BEER?

Adam: “Dad, that’s wate….”

Adam’s Dad: “WE JUST SOLD THE HOUSE!!” *Adam’s dad does what can only be described as The Temper Tantrum Kick as he screams this at us*

This. Exactly this.

We started doing our best to wake up and get the hell out of there and through a combination of sleepiness and the fact that his pants were constantly sagging because his string bean lookin’ ass refused to wear a belt, Adam stumbles a little getting up and walking out.

Adam’s Dad: “LOOK AT YOU! YOU’RE STILL FUCKED UP!”

Adam: “Dad, I’m just tired.”

Me: “We’re leaving. It’s not a big deal.”

Adam’s Dad: “You boys better find somewhere to lay low for a while because I’m calling the cops. Ryan I hope you get a DUI!”

Me: “I’d have to be drunk. They can’t just give me a DUI for being chased out of a house.”

Adam: “We’re leaving.  Bye.”

And with that, we got in my car and got the hell out of there.

I think this is what Adam’s dad looked like

as we drove away

                Now the next issue that we faced was the fact that, after this particular run in with Adam’s dad, the last thing we wanted to do was to go to my house and explain to my dad why the hell we were both showing up there at 4 a.m. and where we’d been.   So, instead we elected to just find somewhere in town to park the car and grab a nap while we waited for the diner to open; because nothing was going to ruin our breakfast.  I drove to the KFC parking lot, parked the car and we both took an hour nap because we’re really intelligent and classy people.  We got up from our nap, went to breakfast, then went to the grocery store to buy Lucky Charms, too, because why the hell not and went back to my place to hang out and play video games all day.

                Eventually, Adam’s mom called and told him to come home, so he left.   I stayed inside goofing off the rest of the day until my dad got home and asked me, “Ryan, why is there a trash can in the front yard?”

I have no idea why, but my response to this was to ask my dad, “Is it a big trash can or a little trash can?” as though that would have any bearing whatsoever on me knowing why there is a trash can in the front yard.  Upon going out to the front yard and inspecting the trash can, I found it to be a pretty nice 20 gallon galvanized steel trash can.  The exact trash can that had been out on the patio at Adam’s old house.  Remember earlier in the story when I said that we only drank Bud Light and Bud Select? It seems that Adam’s dad had looked into the trash can after we left, seen one of his own Budweiser cans that he had tossed there while grilling one day, assumed it was evidence of us being up to no good and decided that the best course of action was to drive the trash can to my dad’s house and leave it in the front yard.  What’s even funnier is that the next time that Adam and I hung out, when he got home Adam had this conversation with his dad:

Adam’s Dad: “So how’d Ryan like that gift I left in his front yard?”

Adam: “Dad, you gave him a $30 trash can with your own beer can in it.  He’s pretty happy with it, it’s on his patio.”

                It’s been 8 years since that happened and I’ve been moved out of my dad’s for over half of that time, but that trash can is still out on my dad’s patio, serving as a quiet reminder of this story.

Pretty sure to this day I’ve still never put a Budweiser can in it.

-Ryan

June 2016 Joke Round-Up

                So, I managed to successfully avoid going another month without writing a single new story, which definitely helps me feel like less of a bum.  And bonus points, my most recent story, “Who’s Gonna Drive You Home?”, cracked my top 10 most viewed stories of all time.   All around, not a bad month.  Plus, you know, all these jokes that I wrote this month.

6/1/2014

I was listening to my iPod while mowing my dad's lawn the other day. I think it was the first time the neighbors had seen someone moonwalk a lawnmower across a yard.

6/1

My parents left me at Toys "R" Us once when I was little and I'm still not sure if it's because they wanted to get rid of me or because they wanted me to have a great time.

6/1

I was so excited to hang out with my buddy Alex tonight that when I cleaned up after work I mistakenly put hair gel in my beard. I don't even get that excited when I have a date. ‪#‎RadBromance

6/2/2013

Woke up this morning to find my roommate passed out on the couch cuddling with a bag of frozen tater tots.

6/3/2014

Clothes are all wrinkled because you were too lazy to take them out of the dryer in a timely fashion? Better run the dryer again on the "wrinkle-free" setting and hope you do better this time around.

6/3/2013

When I go out drinking, I like to stay just sober enough that I can legitimately make fun of anyone that's drunker than me.

6/5/2013

I was thinking today that I've never dated a girl who has a song named after her like "Beth", "Amanda", "Melissa" etc. But then I realized that Jet has a song called "Cold Hard Bitch" and I think that counts.

6/6

This sounds like the kind of obnoxious shit I'd say, too.

6/6

It did this too. Because me, that's why.

6/6

I'm really bad at picking up on romantic signals. But I'm starting to kind of wonder if that's just because, like turn signals, most people around me simply aren't using them.

6/7

One time I was supposed to meet some friends for dinner and I went to the right restaurant but was in the wrong town. And while speaking with them on the phone, trying to find them, I couldn't understand why they were unable to see me standing in the middle of the restaurant waving my arms around looking confused.

When I say "one time" I mean "right now." This is my current situation.

6/9

A buddy of mine asked me to photoshop a picture to put on t-shirts for his volleyball team, The Notorious D.I.G., and in order to complete the project, I had to spend some time gathering some pictures to work with. I feel like this is important information to share so that if I were to die unexpectedly there would be good reason why the bulk of my recent Google search history is "black men playing volleyball."

6/10

I keep a pretty busy schedule, which means I don't really get too upset when someone cancels on me because I've always got backup plans. 
Side note: Falling asleep on my couch counts as a backup plan.

6/11/2011

Why do romantic comedies show guys doing things that would land them a restraining order in real life?

6/11/2013

I kinda want to use that MapMyRun app when I'm running on the treadmill, just so I'm reminded that I didn't actually go anywhere.

6/11

Sometimes I write jokes about things people do that annoy me. But I like to leave a grace period before posting it so that I can be passive aggressive while still maintaining plausible deniability.

6/12/2014

I had a dream that I was dating a girl and she broke up with me. Even my own subconscious thinks I'm a bad boyfriend.

6/14/2013

Sometimes I like to listen to breakup songs and think about how much I have in common with the shitty guys the lyrics are about.

6/14

A few nights ago, I drunkenly made an appointment with my equally drunk hair stylist when we ran into each other at the bar. Despite the lack of sobriety all-around, we both surprisingly remembered the appointment.‪ #‎SuccessfulAdultMoments

6/16

I don't understand how some people let their phone's battery get so low. I was conditioned by years of schooling to be uncomfortable with anything under 70%

6/17

The great thing about ramen is that you can do pretty much anything with it except feel good about yourself.

6/17

Not sure what everyone else is doing with their Friday night, but I just became an ordained minister online. Because those are gonna be some fun credentials to randomly show off at the bar.

6/19

Sometimes in your adult life you find yourself being scolded by a waitress at 3 a.m. for getting several other tables at the diner involved in The Penis Game.

6/19

I see a lot of people today claiming to have the best dad ever. I hate to break it to you, but strictly from a numbers standpoint most of you are wrong.

6/19/2014

I don't think I could ever be too poor to afford good toilet paper. I would turn tricks on the corner for Cottonelle if I had to.

6/20/2014

Some people seem to think that I have an ego problem. I just want to clarify that I put my pants on the same way as everyone else does: with a considerable amount of self-loathing.

6/21

I never really intentionally take naps. I just have a tendency to fall asleep any time I sit down for more than 5 minutes.

6/22/2014

I saw a decorative tree made out of wine bottles in someone's front yard. I think that's a great way to show people that you're both artsy and an alcoholic.

6/23/2013

I've let myself into a few closed bars. Prices were great, service was terrible.

6/24

Instructions: Bake 32-34 minutes.
Me: 33 minutes it is.

6/25

Chocolate syrup and barbecue sauce can be pretty similar shades of brown. However, one of them will ruin your glass of milk if you're sleepily bumbling around the kitchen in the morning. ‪#‎LifeLesson

6/25

Needed a beer and a shower after work. Knocked out both at the same time.‪#‎ShowerBeer

6/27

I used the phrase "trailer park hot" to describe a girl today. I felt like kind of a douche for saying that, but on the other hand everyone else agreed that it was a totally accurate description.

6/28

"‪#‎Knuckles is the only person I've ever met that makes not caring not cool." – Ben

6/28

I didn't want to be left out of the Facebook trend. We've been going strong together for years.

**New Challenge For Those In A Relationship**
Post your first picture with your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife and your most recent one. Whether it's weeks apart or years apart. Let's all see the difference!

6/30

I like when Facebook suggests I add someone based on friends that we have in common, but I've literally never seen this suggested person before in my life because apparently when we hang out with our 97 mutual friends they make it a point to only stand outside my field of vision.

                Now to get working on that long list of unwritten posts that I keep talking about.

-Ryan