Friday, April 3, 2015

March Joke Round-Up

               And finally, we have my jokes from March! After the last couple of days, you know the drill already.  Please don’t hate me.

I just really hope someone takes Hozier to church today.

I sign off all of my work emails with my full name. Despite this, for some reason my customers still all insist on calling me Rick. #‎FirstNameProblems

I was just checking out an extended forecast online and it's predicting a thunderstorm on April 16th. I hope I remember to bring my umbrella that day.

Just in case anyone was wondering: Yes, it is exhausting being this awesome all the time.

After what seemed like forever, I finally have a desk again at work. As such, I probably don't need this picture of a desk anymore. I am considering replacing it with a picture of myself

I went to The Cheesecake Factory tonight but at no point was I actually allowed into the factory to see the cheesecakes being made. This is bullshit

It's Saturday night and the only person drunk-texting me is #‎Knuckles. At some point my life got seriously off track.

I feel like it's worth mentioning that I got drunk and tried to watch Mulan this past weekend. All I wanted to do was sing along to "I'll Make A Man Out of You" but I passed out before that scene happened.

It's really easy to talk to someone when you don't give a shit what they think of you

Due to a combination of sleepiness and fog, I have no idea where the hell I am this morning.

Looking back on my life, I don't think there's ever been a time that I ate pizza and didn't burn the roof of my mouth.

Coworker: "These cookies are awesome but they come in a really small package."
Me: "I know a thing or two about having a small package."
Yet another reason why I'm a walking HR violation.

Our email has been down at work a lot in the past few weeks, with some emails taking upwards of 12 hours to be delivered. I have suggested that the company invest in a telegraph

I feel bad for the kids that will never have a keychain or license plate with their name on it because their parents named them something fucking stupid

If you're just waiting for somebody else to be an asshole first so that you can be an asshole back to them, you're still an asshole

A recent study suggests that loneliness can be as much of a health risk as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. That would explain my persistent cough

I decided that since I have a desk now, I needed to change out the picture of a desk with something else. This seemed inspirational. #‎TopGun

I struggle to drink 8 glasses of water a day but 15 beers in one night is no problem. The medical community needs to reassess their stance on hydration

I was wearing my favorite dress shirt the other day and a girl said to me, "Why are you wearing a purple shirt? Are you gay?"
I replied, "It's called style. And no, I'm not gay but I do look fucking fabulous."

I updated the picture on my desk again. Just a little reminder that "if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change." #‎EyeOfTheTiger

A recent study has found that men prefer curvy women because of evolutionary influences. Personally, I prefer women that acknowledge my existence. And also a few that don't.

I'm into a lot of varied activities/hobbies; hockey, volleyball, bocce, writing, comedy, music, gaming, cooking and I've even been teaching myself photo editing recently. I would say I'm a bit of a Renaissance Man but I struggle with spelling the word Renaissance and I think that disqualifies me

One underrated aspect of social media is that it's a really good way of finding out which of your friends are bigots.

Sometimes I wake up with every intention of being healthy and making good decisions. Then someone brings donuts into the office and I realize how rude it would be to turn my nose up at them. I just care too much about other people's feelings.

If you don't like the movie The Princess Bride, fuck you.

I've updated my desk picture again. Because when I look in the mirror "I see pride. I see power. I see a badass motha who don't take no crap off of nobody." #‎PeaceBeTheJourney


My fridge is so barren, last night I just chewed on a dish sponge for dinner because I thought it might still taste like food. #‎BachelorLife

              If you’re even still reading at this point, clearly you either like me more than anyone should, or you’re a glutton for punishment.  Either way, we’ve got almost a whole month before I make a new one of these posts.  And at least then you’ll know to ignore it.


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