Sometimes, even when I have every reason and opportunity to be a competent adult, I find new and exciting ways to screw it up; even with things as simple as driving home the exact same way that I do every single day after work. I went out for a co-worker’s going away party and to watch the Blues’ playoff game. Since I live so far from work, I was obligated to stay out until the hockey game was over, because I would have missed a good chunk of the game on the drive one (priorities). This means that I didn’t start driving home until nearly midnight and at some point during the drive my brain shut off for a few minutes and I ended up lost. Luckily, I made some handy maps to illustrate how stupid I am and what was (or wasn’t) going through my brain at each point. The biggest problem was that, for whatever reason, I thought I was on a different highway than I was actually on. And things just kind of spiraled out of control from there.
First, let’s take a look at how I was supposed to be getting home. This is how I get home literally every single day (Note: the starting points on all these maps is not where I started my journey, just where I started screwing up).
Now we’ll look at how I apparently thought I was getting home.
And here is how that confusion happened.
A. Where I thought I was
B. The exit I thought I missed
C. Where I actually was
D. The exit I actually just passed
E. The exit I actually needed.
And here is whatever the hell was going through my mind as I Ferdinand Magellan’d my way around.
1. Oh no, did I just pass my exit? I just passed my exit. Idiot. It’s fine; I’ll just grab the next one. I can get home from there
2. That exit sign seemed weird.
3. This is fine. I know where I’m at.
4. Isn’t there supposed to be a Jack in the Box here? No problem, I’m sure I’ll recognize something.
5. None of this looks familiar. Maybe it’ll make sense if I just keep going.
6. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ROUNDABOUT?! WHERE AM I?!
7. I RECOGNIZE THIS HOSPITAL BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE FUCK I GOT HERE OR HOW TO GET HOME NOW.
8. Holy shit, I know where I am now. How the hell did I get here?
9. Seriously, how the hell did I end up here? Roads are hard.
10. I literally have no idea how those roads even got me here right now. But at least I know how to get home from here.
So finally, this is how I actually made it home last night.
And I really don’t think this story would be complete without mentioning that during my downward spiral of confusion I was texting my buddy Düdders. I think it does a great job of illustrating the fact that my brain had just jumped ship entirely.